Don't Do It
by BeautifulUnseen
Summary: Kurt, who works for a letter-writing service, spends a summer writing emails to Blaine, who thinks Kurt is the guy he's been dating for the past month. Kurt only has one rule: don't fall in love. Of course, Kurt Hummel was born to push boundaries.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: ** Hey! It's been a minute, but I'm back! Here's a little teaser of an intro to get you started.

**Keep in mind that anything to/from "Troy" is actually Kurt.

**_Chapter 1_**

_From: Personal Touch Correspondence  
__To : Kurt Hummel  
__Date: May 14, 2017  
__Subject: Your Next Assignment _

Dear Mr. Hummel,

Your next assignment is attached. Please continue reporting back to the agency every Monday for status updates. As you enter your first long-term assignment, please review the company guidelines put in place for your safety and emotional well-being.

Sincerely,

Kelsey Beech  
Administrative Assistant  
Personal Touch Correspondence

_Attachment: TroyLevisonPDF_

**Personal Touch Correspondence  
****Request Form**

**Your name:** Troy Levison

**Why are you requesting our services?** I am studying abroad this summer and need to stay in touch with this guy I'm dating while I'm gone.

**Are you requesting handwritten or typed letters or emails? **Emails

**How many letters/emails are requested? **As many as desired during the 3 month span I am away, but only 2-3 are required.

**To whom is our letter artist writing? **Blaine Anderson

**Detail your relationship with above person:** We met a month ago at the animal shelter when I was adopting my dog. Blaine volunteers there every week, and he saw me and asked me out. We've been out a few times since then, and text a couple times a week. I'll be leaving to study abroad in Egypt on May 30 and he has expressed interest in keeping in touch. He's a sweetheart, but I'm pretty sure he's not the one for me. I tried breaking it off with him but Blaine is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met and I just couldn't do it. I really do enjoy talking to him, though, and at the end of the day, I'd like him as a lifelong friend. I'm attaching a picture of the two of us at his friend's concert last week - I'm on the left.

**Tell us about yourself, including anything that the addressee may reference in correspondence. Examples of pertinent information include occupation, family, location, hobbies, etc.:** I'm 22 years old from Ridgewood, New Jersey, and I'm an anthropology major at Columbia University. I rent a house near campus where I live with my 4 year old mutt, Shandy. My parents are Chester and Maria Levison, who are both physicians. I have no siblings. I love the outdoors and enjoy hiking, skiing, kayaking, and competing in triathlons.

**Tell us about the addressee using the same suggestions: **Blaine is around my age, I think he's 21. He's from a small town in Ohio, but he lives here in New York and attends Columbia, too. He's studying social work. As far as I know, he has an older brother (the guy from the Free Credit commercial) who lives in LA. Blaine and his best friends Tina and Sam live in an on-campus apartment together. He loves listening to music and I think he plays a little bit too, but I've never heard it. He runs, which is awesome because we can run together. He also loves superheroes and other comics. He has made me watch Star Wars twice on dates.

**Please list your (email) address and the addressee's below. All correspondence to and from the addressee will be available to you at the end of the contracted period. Thank you for choosing PTC!**

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: May 14, 2017  
__Subject: Never Have I Ever…_

...picked something up off the floor and eaten it.

...slept with two men in the same night.

...used my degree in a way I imagined I would.

Three things I've never done. Guess which one depresses me? Okay, maybe two of them.

Seriously, Mercedes, when I graduated in December with my English degree, I thought I'd do great things, like write a book or become a world-famous journalist or marry into the royal family. Not once did I foresee myself writing letters for lazy ass people who can't be bothered to keep in touch with even their closest friends and family. I honestly didn't even believe it could be a real job until I actually got paid to write a letter last week from a grown man to his mother telling her he loved her and missed her and oh, by the way, could she send him another pack of those wool socks? Like, really? You're going to pay someone to do that?

I don't even need a degree to be doing this. Why didn't I take after you and refuse to go to college in pursuit of my dreams? I always knew you were the smart one. Or, well no, maybe I meant the reasonable one. We all know I'm the smart one.

I did, however, receive my latest assignment today, and I think it's actually going to be fun. And the guy I'm writing to for the next three months? Hoo boy...Mercedes, you're going to have to believe me when I say he looks like the kind of guy who would bring me flowers just because and tell me I look pretty every day but also who could fuck me so thoroughly I'd be seeing stars. Why do losers who pay someone to write emails to their boyfriends get guys like that? Sometimes the universe is really sucky.

I can't wait until you're back. When you're around, I don't even think about how Rachel and Santana make me want to walk out in front of a bus. Miss you.

Kurt

* * *

_To: Kurt Hummel and Santana Lopez  
__From: Rachel Berry  
__Date: May 15, 2017  
__Subject: Reminder _

Dear Kurt and Santana,

This is a friendly reminder that I have a date with Jesse on the 20th and both of you have agreed to vacate the loft that evening. Please firm up your plans because I will likely be having copious amounts of sexual intercourse that night.

Sincerely,  
Rachel Berry

* * *

_To: Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry  
__From: Santana Lopez  
__Date: May 15, 2017  
__Subject: I can hear Kurt gagging_

(Yes I refrained from making a gay dick joke, you may now applaud.)

Can you unsend an email?

S

* * *

_To: Blaine Anderson  
__From: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 1, 2017  
__Subject: Hi_

Blaine,

I'm jet lagged but I'm here! Bonus: no crying babies or stinky old men on my flight.

Egypt seems so cool already and I've only been here one day. I can't wait to start exploring. I hope everything is going well at home.

Troy

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 2, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Hi_

Troy,

I'm so glad to hear from you! You mentioned how it would be hard to find an internet connection and I wasn't sure if that was your way of blowing me off [sweaty, self-conscious laughter].

It's good that you didn't have to sit next to a stinky old man, because that stench would have stuck with you forever. A woman next to me on a plane once peeled off her socks and set them on the armrest between us. To this day I can't be around really pungent cheeses without my stomach lurching. I'm sure you have at least one food you can't eat because of a bad association.

Everything is good on the home front. Tina keeps calling me into her room to ask what I think of each new lipstick color she's trying, but they all kind of look the same to me. Does that make me a bad gay? I think she's trying to impress Sam, which is a terrible idea. We all know what happened last time they gave it a whirl. (Well, actually, you don't, but let's just say it was over in less than 48 hours, which was unfortunately still enough time for me to walk in on them more than once. I think I still have a partially obscured field of vision in my left eye from the gouging I had to do after that. If you've never walked in on someone before, I strongly recommend against it.)

So anyway, now that I've sufficiently embarrassed myself by talking about sweating, vomiting, and eye gouging, I'm going to bow out of this email and quite while I'm ahead...or while I'm so far behind there's no catching back up.

Hope to hear from you again soon!

Blaine

* * *

_To: Mercedes Jones  
__From: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 2, 2017  
__Subject: REALLY not fair_

The sweet-faced, music-loving, probably chivalrous sex god is too good to be real. He's funny _and _smart _and _just the right side of self-deprecating, all on top of being a hot piece.

This not-boyfriend Troy better save baby kittens or donate all of his time and money to kids who have cancer or something. Ugh.

K

* * *

_To: Kurt Hummel  
__From: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 2, 2017  
__Subject: Don't do it_

I'm warning you now: don't fall in love with this Blaine guy.

Don't do it.

M

* * *

_To: Mercedes Jones  
__From: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 2, 2017  
__Subject: Don't be ridiculous_

That's what Rachel said too. And kind of Santana. Hers was more of an "if you pull one more of those dumbass falling-for-an-unattainable-guy-because-I-love-getting-my-heart-trampled-on moves again, the only thing you'll get from me is an 'I told you so' and maybe a dildo for your sad, sad self."

But you're all wasting your breath.

Reasons I could never fall in love with Blaine:

1\. I don't know him.

2\. He's with his not-boyfriend Troy.

3\. I am perfectly happy living my solitary existence.

4\. Did I mention I don't actually know him?

We'll see who's saying "I told you so" when these 90 days are up, thank you very much.

Also, are you counting down yet? 18 days until your new song is released! And only one week until you're here for press and I get to see you!

K

* * *

_To: Kurt Hummel  
__From: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 2, 2017  
__Subject: Don't do it, Pt. 2_

Ha. Okay, Buzzfeed.

Don't do it.

M


	2. Chapter 2

_To: Kurt Hummel  
__From: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 12, 2017  
__Subject: You're Free_

The mandatory waiting period is up. You're free to email Blaine back. Just remember what we talked about. Keep it vague and ask a lot of questions. He and Troy are still in the "getting to know you" stage, so that won't be out of place at all. Make it sound like anyone could have written it.

My visit with you was too short, as always. I'm working on a way to see you more often. Stay tuned.

M

* * *

_To: Blaine Anderson  
__From: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 12, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Re: Hi_

Blaine,

You're adorable. No need for nervous sweating - I'll keep writing you as long as my internet connection and busy schedule allows. On top of going to class and weekly assignments, we want to get out and see as much of the country as we can. There is a lot of political unrest in certain cities, though, so sadly our exploring is restricted for our safety.

Of course I have foods I can't stand to eat anymore! A few late nights with too much partying in freshman year have ruined a few of my favorites…

Do you have any races coming up? It's so hot here that I haven't wanted to run outside. I'm sure when I get back, you'll have to slow your pace so I can keep up with you!

So tell me more about yourself, Blaine. Share something you haven't told me yet. I find you fascinating.

Looking forward to your next email,

Troy

* * *

_To: Mercedes Jones  
__From: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 13, 2017  
__Subject: Tell Meeeeeeee_

What?! You can't just drop a bomb like that and sign off! What are you working on that will bring you to NYC more? Are you standing in for Kelly Ripa? Are you entering a partnership with Dior? OH MY GOD ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON BROADWAY? I'm invoking best friend privileges and demanding you tell me right now. Please please please? I'm not really above begging.

It is so challenging to keep my voice out of the emails to Blaine. I haven't had trouble with any of my other letters, but I think Blaine is just so relatable and his words are so endearing that I have a hard time not being myself. Why can't I meet a guy in real life who makes me feel that way?

Never mind. Even if I did we both know I'd scare him away with my nervous habit of saying things that are wildly inappropriate. Remember when I met that really cute guy Rachel set me up with and I shook his hand and said "nice to _eat _you" and waggled my eyebrows and he "took a call" before we even got to the restaurant telling him "there was an emergency at home" and even Rachel never heard from him again? It's a sad truth, but it appears not everyone can handle my quick wit and overwhelming intellect.

Oh, here we go. This email will now be cut short, courtesy of Rachel and Santana ripping each others' heads off. I must go to break up this apocalyptic fight that sounds like it's about a tea bag.

You know what I've never valued more than I do living here? Walls.

Miss you already.

K

* * *

_To: Rachel Berry  
__CC: Kurt Hummel  
__From: Santana Lopez  
__Date: June 13, 2017  
__Subject: Kurt is forcing me to do this_

To my dearest roommate and frenemy:

I am ever so sorry for cutting holes in all of your teabags of that stupid, overpriced tea you "have to drink" to preserve your voice that is "the voice of a future Tony winning actress."

I'm not sorry for saying that the only Tony you'll win is for the role of Rum Tum Fucker in the musical _Ass_.

Sincerely yours,

Santana

* * *

_To: Kurt Hummel  
__From: Burt Hummel  
__Date: June 15, 2017  
__Subject: (No subject)_

Carole is making me send you this video because she doesn't know how. I don't know how either, but that's why they give old guys like me assistants.

Love,

Dad (Burt Hummel)

_Link: This Video of a Baby Elephant Will Make You Cry Happy Tears_

* * *

_To: Troy Levison  
__From: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: June 20, 2017  
__Subject: I'm Sorry! _

Troy,

I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond to your email. I'm hoping you didn't think that I was ignoring it and go strike up conversation with a cute Egyptian boy and forget all about me and...dear god I just realized you probably haven't even checked your email since you sent the last one and I'm coming across as helpless and unnecessarily needy (which is actually very on brand for me, so you should probably just call it quits right now).

In the unlikely event that you're still reading this and still want to interact with me, a Big Dummy™, I wanted to say that it's too bad that you can't explore as much of Egypt as you want. I'd rather have you and your study abroad group safe, though, and I'm sure you'll make the most of what you are able to do.

You having to take a small break from running is a bad for you/good for me kind of situation. Your stamina is much better than mine and while you look slightly windswept with a rosy flush after we finish a 5 miler, I look like a soggy dog who just finished rolling around in some purplish-red paint. I'm really glad you suggested a run for our second date. I don't get much cuter than that.

I have signed up for a run in September. It's a half marathon. I filled out the registration one late, late night after binge watching Orange Is the New Black with Tina and Sam and a few bottles of wine. It sounded like a really fun challenge at the time. I clearly need to re-evaluate drunk me's interpretation of the word "fun" and also maybe put some filters on my computer after a certain time of night. Do they make breathalyzers that attach to your electronic devices and help you regulate your inebriated decisions? If not, somebody better take that shit to the Shark Tank because this guy has needs.

Something you don't know about me? Well you've just called me fascinating, so I have a high standard to match…How about this one? My grandma decided to take my grandfather's middle name (Don) and add a letter to it for my dad's middle name (Deon) and then asked my mom to play along and add a letter for my middle name (Devon). Now I can't ever have a son because I'd have to give him a stupid made-up middle name like Devron or D'revon or heaven forbid Devoon. Can you imagine?

Teacher: "Anderson, Lucas Devoon?"  
[Child sinks down from his desk seat into the floor and is absorbed by the earth]

Not that I'd necessarily ask my husband to take my name or give our child my name.

NOT THAT I'M DROPPING HINTS ABOUT MARRIAGE OR CHILDREN.

[Nervous sweating. So much nervous sweating.]

Oh! I meant to tell you the reason my email is late. (Or not late. Depending on how many times you've checked your inbox in the last week.) I got a call last Tuesday from my parents saying they're planning a trip to see me on short notice. When is the trip, you ask? THE NEXT DAY. Okay now, I love my parents but they are exhausting.

My mother is a mover. She couldn't sit still for 15 minutes if her life depended on it. And ever since I came out to her 7 years ago, she has put almost all of that energy into "the cause." Every few weeks it's "honey, do you think we should put on a benefit at the community center for the Trevor Project?" or "Blaine dear, can you please record another video of your coming out story for my blog? I have over 15,000 followers now!" or "I'm heading to the march on Washington to protect trans rights. Will you retweet my picture so I can get a signal boost?" And I love it so much but, like...take a break sometimes.

My dad, on the other hand, is a whole different kind of special. I'm pretty sure that in his next life, he wants to be the gayest gay that ever gayed. I'm almost positive he spends all of his free time on gay twitter and tumblr. Again, all of this since I came out in middle school. It would be funny if it weren't so mortifying. Here's a sampling of some of his finer moments this week:

[Mom comes out of the bedroom dressed for dinner]  
Dad: "Slay, Pamela!"

[Me, ragging on Cooper]  
Dad: "Drag her, sis."

And every ten minutes or so about literally everything with no provocation in any way, a good old "Yasss, Queen!"

Despite these quirks, we had a good time. I really do appreciate how they embrace my sexuality, even if it's on a level 1,000 out of 10. I just need a few days to recover now.

Wow. This email was really long. If you've made it this far, you must be a keeper. But I don't mean that in a marriage way. Even though I've mentioned marriage twice in this email. I just...okay...I need to go change my shirt, bye!

Blaine

* * *

_To: Mercedes Jones  
__From: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 20, 2017  
__Subject: How long…_

Do I have to wait before I reply to his latest email? I don't think I can last more than 2 days.

I'm not sure of my allotted amount of gushing to you about Blaine before you block my emails and my phone number (it was 2 days with Rachel, 2 words with Santana), so I'll keep it simple. If this boy wanted the moon, I would...send someone to go get it for him (because lord knows I'm not about to go into space. I'm not trying to atrophy these hard-earned (and damn fine) muscles). But my point still stands. Blaine deserves his moon.

ALSO

HAPPY RELEASE DAY!

I'm sure the reason you haven't had time to call me is because the feedback to your new single is overwhelmingly positive, so I'll forgive you. The song been playing on repeat throughout the loft since we woke up this morning. So. Good. If it doesn't make the top 10 I'll take Artie down to Billboard and have him rig the sound system so it plays nonstop forever.

I'm currently writing this from Santana's girlfriend's house, to where we have been banished because Jesse is in town and Rachel demanded the loft to herself. I mean, we were all too quick to agree because who wants to hear or accidentally see Berry sex, but still. Banished. Hopefully when we talk next I won't be cleaning any sort of bodily fluid out of any surface in or around my room or the common areas of the loft.

Hope you're going out tonight to celebrate your release. I'm so proud of you!

K

* * *

_To: Blaine Anderson  
__From: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 23, 2017  
__Subject: Don't Be Sorry! _

I'm glad you were able to enjoy your parents' impromptu visit. They sound like a hoot. If my dad ever tried to use gay slang, I would die of embarrassment. I'm impressed you're still standing. Is your mom's championing of equal rights your reason for going into social work?

You don't need to be so self-conscious, Blaine. I happen to like Big Dummies™. Your nervous sweating is nothing compared to my worst nervous habit, which I will never, ever disclose and I hope you never, ever witness firsthand.

I saw a greeting card one time that said "congratulations on running a marathon without stopping to have a heart attack" and my only regret in life is not picking it up and storing it until I found a use for it later (you). I'm sure you'll run your half in record time! (See what I did there? You've never run one before so any time will be a record time. You literally can't fail.) Maybe I'll even be at the finish line, and everyone will say "wow who is that very fast soaking wet dog with the purplish-red tint?" and I'll say "That's Blaine Anderson, bitches!" and they will all be jealous because I know you and they don't.

Drunk blockers are most definitely a thing, at least in app form. I used to have a hard time not drunk calling/texting a crush, and the app was a godsend. Sounds like you should download it before you end up participating in a decathlon. What even is a decathlon? Is that the one with skiing and shooting? My knowledge of sports ends with the Olympics. But every 4 years I am an expert. Either way I don't think it's a good idea to sign up for one.

I had a good chuckle over Lucas Devoon. Please let this be a glimpse into your future. Even if something happens where we don't talk ever again in our lives, promise you'll get in contact with me if you ever have a son and let me know what you decide on for his middle name.

Don't apologize for a long email. I love reading your words. How is your summer going? I can't remember — are you working? How are things going at the shelter?

Talk to you soon!

Troy

* * *

_To: Troy Levison  
__From: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: June 25, 2017  
__Subject: Puppies, Mostly_

As if my parents coming to visit wasn't bad enough, my brother just called and announced he's coming to stay next week. Cooper is very...opportunistic, to say the least. A friend from high school is casting a musical and Cooper thinks he can use his being my brother as an in. It gets very tiring being the only sane one in your family.

To answer your question...are my mom's philanthropic tendencies the reason I'm studying social work? No. Well, maybe it played a role, but the real reason I became interested was my school social worker growing up. I struggled a lot after I came out and went through some very tough times with my classmates and with myself (a story for another day). Someday I want to be to some kid what she was to me. I also have empathetic tendencies and am not quick to judge, so I'm well suited for social work. I do fear that my mother will ask me to team up and help her start a nonprofit for queer teens. How could I tell her no? It's actually not _not _what I want to do, I just don't necessarily want to do it with my mother.

Okay, so, "the one with skiing and shooting" is the biathlon. Decathlon has ten events (obviously). Here is why I should not do one:

100-meter dash - done. Easy.

Long jump - I can't jump. I was the kid on the elementary basketball team who had zero rebounds. Across three years.

Shot put - Me throw big rock. Me strong boy.

High jump - see above re: jumping.

400-meter dash - could easily finish, easily come in last place.

110-meter hurdles - Seriously. Why so much jumping? And over an obstacle this time. Do they want me to break my face?

Discus - seems easy enough? But also like it could decapitate?

Pole vault - I don't prefer being impaled on a pole 15 feet in the air. (NOT A SEX JOKE.) (That's actually what I do prefer minus the 15 feet.) (Wow feeling sweaty.)

Javelin - I already feel self-conscious about my height. No need to hand me a spear that's practically twice as tall as me and expect me to throw it.

1,500-meter run - now that's my jam.

In summary, no decathlons.

Did you ever have track and field day as a kid? I clearly was more cut out for the track part than the field part. But there was always that one kid that was good at EVERYTHING. Who was that kid in your school and where are they now? Mine was a kid named Jordan and now he's an overweight bank teller with a drinking problem in our hometown so…

The shelter is great, as usual. If our apartment didn't have a no-pets policy, I'd have at least 3 dogs, 5 cats and probably a rabbit or two. It's a compulsion. Apparently I collect friends the same way, which Tina mocks me for. I'm very maternal, so what? Sue me for being kind and wanting to take care of people!

Through some people I met at the shelter, I'm actually now the receptionist for a local groomer. It's my favorite job I've ever had. I get to talk to fellow animal lovers all day long and pet some of the cutest doggies (and some kitties). People ask for the most outrageous things done to their pets, though. Yesterday we had a dog whose owner wanted him to look like a lion. Poor little nakey dog ended up with just an end-of-tail-tuft and a poofy mane. (I'm pretending that I hate it, but I secretly very much did not hate it.)

I know you're a dog person because of how we met and your sweet little Rocco, but are you an all-pets-are-created-equal type of person? Or dogs only? Just fair warning that if you say anything other than "every animal to ever exist on this earth is the most precious bebe love bug in the world," there's no hope for us.

Please take a moment and acknowledge me for getting through this email with relatively little sweating.

Troy, I'm really glad you were able to stay in touch this summer. I feel like you're starting to show more of yourself with each email, and I'm enjoying getting to know you. Eagerly awaiting your next email.

Signed,

Spoke Too Soon About the Sweat

* * *

_To: Mercedes Jones  
__From: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 25, 2017  
__Subject: Would I Make a Good Sherpa?_

Help!

Blaine is starting to ask more personal questions and it's getting way too hard to answer vaguely. I've already said much more than I should have.

Plus he's getting flirty and I'm having trouble separating out myself from Troy.

What do I do?

Do I quit my job and move to Tibet?

K

* * *

_To: Kurt Hummel  
__From: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 25, 2017  
__Subject: No You Would Not_

No need for Tibet. Just send one last email saying you won't be able to talk the rest of the summer, but you look forward to seeing him again when you're back. You can't keep this up. It's not fair to Blaine or Troy. What happens when Blaine finds out that all these things he thought he knew about Troy aren't true? You have to send the email.

News soon. xx

M

* * *

_To: Blaine Anderson  
__From: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 27, 2017  
__Subject: No Connection_

Blaine,

I'm so sad to say that I probably won't be able to email anymore this summer. The place we were using for our connection is closing, so I won't have access to my email account. I look so forward to seeing you again when I get back.

Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Troy

_**[Draft Deleted]**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Just to clarify - Kurt did NOT send the email at the end of the last chapter. The first email in this chapter is what he sent instead. **

**It was also brought to my attention by a reader that I should be putting the From: line first, so you'll notice that change in this chapter!**

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: June 28, 2017  
__Subject: _Too Many Friends

Of course I wanted to keep in touch with you, Blaine. I just can't resist. You make it too easy to be myself with your sweet words and adorkable sense of humor. I want you to know that you're welcome to tell me about your history with coming out and your social worker. I'm a great listener and I have personal experience in the matter. Don't share anything you're not ready/willing to share, of course, but if you ever want, I'm a great listener. Or...reader, in this case. I promise I don't skim unless it's a textbook or a ten-page email from my high school best friend about the depths of her talent.

Tell me more about this so-called "friend collecting." Where do you find them? Where do you keep all of them? What do you do when you have too many? (Please don't say brothels, the dungeon, and murder.) I have a handful of amazing friends and that's it. I can't imagine a world with more than 5 people I have to talk to frequently to maintain a good relationship. What does that say about me? Is that a red flag? How big would you say that flag is? I promise I'm not a deadbeat friend. I'm a really loyal, amazing friend, actually. Just...to a very select few who can handle my clearly very modest and not at all anti-social self.

Not to get too heavy, but you did ask...the person who was good at everything at our track and field day growing up was someone really close to me who has since passed. He was a fantastic friend and not at all the type of townie loser you'd expect a track and field day star to be (he, too, was a Big Dummy™). That being said, your school's field day probably involved actual sports. Ours was things like a frisbee toss and who could hop on a pogo stick the most times. I'm not convinced our PE teacher had an actual degree, but then that would be par for the course for our school. It's a miracle I even made it to college, really.

You asked about animals. As it turns out, I think that every animal to ever exist on this earth is the most precious bebe love bug in the world.

Just kidding. I don't do reptiles or insects. Or fish. Or even birds. But animals with fur? Love 'em. I had a sweet cat named Mama Kitty growing up (yes, I am aware of how very creative I was, even then), and she was the light of my life. To make up for the void she left when she traveled across the rainbow bridge or whatever garbage adults tell their children to make the harsh sting of mortality a little softer, my parents and I have spent the last four years in some sort of unofficial competition to see who can find the cutest animal video. I'm obviously winning because of my great taste and my ability to type in the search bar faster than 10 words per minute. The search is still on for the cutest video in the universe. I should send them a video of you to guarantee my win. [Excuse me while I give up on ever finding a guy. You don't ever have to email me back. This is your out.]

Tell me more about how things are going for you. Are you prepared for your brother's visit? Been to any good concerts or open mic nights lately? What TV shows are you watching now? Would you ever eat something that's still alive? Do you prefer Halloween or the 4th of July? What are you looking for out of a relationship? (The last one is a joke, obviously. Unless you want to tell me.)

Sincerely,

Friendless and Forever Alone

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 28, 2017  
__Subject: Uh Oh_

I'm in big, fat, sticky trouble.

I can't stop emailing with Blaine. But it's fine. They're just emails. What's the worst that could happen?

Please don't really answer that.

Let's talk about you instead, and how your song is number one. ONE! I knew it was amazing, but I'm glad everyone else knows it too.

Ignore Rachel. You know how she gets jealous of everyone else's success. I did speak with her to remind her that it's inappropriate to say untrue things to people just because they are equally as talented as her and they happen to be experiencing more success than she is. She thinks she's the only one who deserves good things in life and it's extremely irritating. That girl thinks more highly of herself than I think of me, and I buy my clothing a size too big so it fits over my ego.

Anyway, your life gets better every day and mine is in complete shambles. I always knew we were the perfect match.

K

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 29, 2017  
__Subject: Not a Murderer_

I'm sure this is implied, but the "collecting" part of "friend collecting" is figurative. So no dungeon and definitely no murder. I won't rule out a brothel, though. Who's to say that sex workers don't make great friends?

I will tell you my story one day, I'd just like for it to be in person so I can hug you when it's over. I think about hugging you a lot. I'm a hugger, and physical touch is my love language. Hugs validate me and comfort me so I seek out what's probably considered way way too many. Hugging is a requirement for being my friend or partner. I will try my best not to nervous sweat before hugging you. How many times can I say 'hug' in one paragraph? Hug hug hug hug hug hug hug. Fourteen. Also, what is your love language? Purely for research, you understand. And for your research, my secondary is words of affirmation. Put together her with physical touch it makes me a needy, dependent loser, so congrats to you for choosing to go out with me!

On a serious note, I'm sorry to hear about losing your friend. My apologies if me bringing that up caused you any unnecessary grief. But as always, if you'd like to talk about him, I'd love to hear it. Especially because he was a fellow dum dum. Our kind must stick together.

An embarrassing, yet true fact: I really fall for cheesy pickup lines. I'm going to leave it at that because it speaks for itself, but let's just say about that cute animal video line...SWOON. (There's something wrong with me, right? Is _that _a red flag? How big is too big of a flag for you?)

Okay, speed round:

_Are you prepared for your brother's visit? _ Never will be. It's lucky I have quite low expectations for myself so I really can't disappoint me. But for real, Cooper is a bit like a hurricane. He comes in quickly and goes just as fast, leaving behind a trail of destruction. If you can look past the natural disaster-y side of him, though, Coop is a great big brother. He's been my biggest supporter for as long as I can remember, even if he goes about it in his own special way, which is usually teaching me "life lessons" in the form of "experiences I have to have to be able to learn from my mistakes just like he did" such as taking me skydiving and pushing me out of the plane before I'm ready to jump or setting me up to hook up with a friend he knows isn't going to return my calls. That's true brotherly love, right there.

_Been to any good concerts or open mic nights lately? _Just the usual. Without having to study this summer I've been able to see Sam's band every week. They're so good. How lucky am I to have such talented friends? My relationship with music is beautiful and extensive, so maybe I just appreciate that talent more than the average Joe. I'm thinking of actually saying yes the next time they ask me to open for them.

_What TV shows are you watching now? _So many. It's actually kind of embarrassing to say it aloud. Or type it aloud. Or whatever. _Game of Thrones_, of course. _Handmaid's Tale,_ _Big Little Lies,_ and _Drag Race_. I definitely don't watch _Housewives_ because that is the exact kind of trash that no self-respecting person would ever watch. Just kidding, that's exactly why I love it.

_Would you ever eat something that's still alive? _Yes, I have tried a Korean octopus dish that's still moving on the plate when they serve it and I loved it in a squirmy, squelchy kind of way.

_Do you prefer Halloween or the 4th of July? _Halloween. Love dressing up.

_What are you looking for out of a relationship?_ I know you said I don't need to answer this one, but I want to. I don't necessarily have a goal in mind for length of time or milestones to reach together. I just want to find someone who I can be my genuine self with and have a blast just being together. I was too eager and planned too much for the future in my last couple relationships, and it was too much for the guys to handle at the ripe ages of 19 and 20, which led to extreme heartbreak for me. I need someone who can accept me for me and give me all the touch and positive affirmation I crave. Maybe it's the screen and oceans between us, but I'm finding that I've been my true, uncensored self in these emails, which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. So thank you.

It's your turn now. What are you looking forward to in the next few months? What tv shows are _you _into? What's your favorite holiday? Would you go see a Broadway show with me when you get back? What are you looking for in a relationship? How do you feel about a partner getting nervous and maybe a little damp every time he thinks about you?

Gotta go - Sam and I are planning Tina's birthday party (Saturday), and we have to go book the stripper!

Sincerely,

Sometimes I Can Still Feel the Wiggling of a Phantom Octopus in My Esophagus

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: June 29, 2017  
__Subject: I Take It Back_

I just told the guy I'm dating that I'm going to be at a party with a stripper. I realize we haven't known each other long and it's casual and we've by no means declared our exclusivity and it's just a stripper so it's not like anything could ever even happen, but I'm kind of freaking out about how you'll feel about it. What is your opinion on the matter? The guy we're booking is a good friend of Sam's from when he used to strip.

Shit. Is that making it worse? To tell you I live with a male stripper? It is making it worse, isn't it? I await your email entitled "Ending It All Now Before I See the True Depth of Your Crazy."

Sincerely,

Regretting Opening My Mouth in the First Place

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Burt Hummel  
__Date: June 29, 2017  
__Subject: I (kind of) Met A Boy_

I'm sorry I didn't tell you when we were talking earlier. It's kind of embarrassing because I'm a little addicted to him and he doesn't even know I exist. Don't you dare say "Not again" with that big sigh and that loving, yet exasperated look in your eyes. That's exactly why I couldn't tell you on the phone. I'm just getting in too deep and I can't stop. I know you're just going to call me as soon as you read this, which will probably be in 5 days or so (today is Thursday), but at least come prepared with some advice, please.

Love you, dad.

K

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 30, 2017  
__Subject: Big News_

It's not public yet, but it's finally official. I'm doing a 2 month run as Jenna in _Waitress _on Broadway.

.

.

.

.

.

Don't stop screaming on my behalf. I'll wait.

.

.

.

.

That's the big secret I've been keeping inside for months and I've been dying to tell you! The second best part is I'll have an apartment of my own in the city starting in September where you can stay as often as you need to escape.

Regarding Blaine...why don't you just head down to Columbia or somewhere you know he works and try to bump into him? Then you could quit the charade and date him for real. I know this is a good idea because it was mine. You're welcome.

M

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 30, 2017  
__Subject: SO MUCH SCREAMING_

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Give me the dates and I'll be there at least five times.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

How in the hell did you keep that one to yourself? You're amazing. I'm so excited for you. You know Rachel's going to angry shit herself. I'm so excited for that, too.

(AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!)

K

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: June 30, 2017  
__Subject: About That Other Thing_

I can't. I've definitely thought about it.

What would be worse? If we met organically and he didn't seem to like me much at all? Or if we met organically and he really liked me but had to turn me down because of the real Troy?

I don't think I could handle either one.

To quote the great Sara Bareilles:

"What if when he sees me, what if he doesn't like it? What if he runs the other way and I can't hide from it?"

K

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: June 30, 2017  
__Subject: Mhmm..._

But also to quote the great Sara Bareilles:

"But still I can't help from hoping to find someone to talk to who likes the way I am. Someone who when he sees me, wants to again."

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 1, 2017  
__Subject: NOT Ending It All Now Before I See the True Depth of Your Crazy_

Stop now. Before you spiral any further, rest assured that I am perfectly fine with even a married man going to a party where there's a stripper. Hell, get a lap dance for all I care. If there's no intent to do anything other than look, I see absolutely nothing wrong with checking out what other guys have to offer. As long as, hypothetically, that person's heart and body solely belong to their partner. Strippers are fuckin' hot. It's a job requirement. Enjoy the view.

I admit I had to pause and google love languages and take the quiz. My primary love language is acts of service, but my secondary is physical touch, so hug away, little koala. I mean, if cupcakes were a love language, that would be my primary and secondary, but alas, apparently one cannot feel fulfilled only by cupcakes. Whoever made these love languages clearly never had the truffle cupcake at Magnolia. Anyway, win me over by doing things for me and giving me lots of pets. You may be a needy, dependent loser, but I'm basically a dog.

You said you're going to open for a band? What do you play/sing? Are you a solo act? Can I hear you?

I'm with you on the Halloween thing. What are you dressing up as this year? I'm considering going as Beyoncé's pregnancy announcement, but can't decide what level of nudity I'm willing to go to.

My speed round, which may not be so speedy after all:

_What are you looking forward to in the next few months? _A new and exciting adventure. And watching my best friend's dreams come true.

_What tv shows are you into? _Don't you dare say anything negative about my _Housewives_. They are perfectly refined trash. Don't hate me, but I've never seen a single episode of _Game of Thrones_. I do love _Drag Race_, though, and I'm in the middle of _Handmaid_ right now too. So no spoilers!

_What's your favorite holiday? _Because I am extremely vain, my favorite holiday is my birthday. I can say that it's because I get to hear from and connect with all of my friends and family on the same day, but it's actually just because I like a lot of attention and get to eat cake.

_Would you go see a Broadway show with me when you get back? _Are you kidding me? Absolutely. That would be a dream date for me. Sadly, no guy has ever taken me out to a show before. I like how you slid that question in like I might not notice it. As if I'm not reading into every single word you type for any hint about your feelings for me. Be careful what you say, because it's a hidden talent of mine to completely misinterpret what people say!

_What are you looking for in a relationship? _Let me start here. This is a list of my past relationships:

1.

2.

3.

How open and honest are we being with each other on a scale from "Lies and Deception" to "Describing the Color and Consistency of Your Latest Shit"? I'm going to assume we're at the 9-equivalent of "Not Holding Anything Back Except Bathroom Updates" and proceed. If you think we're more like a 5/"No Lies but Careful Screening of the Truth" then please skip ahead to the next paragraph.

I have a tendency to fall for guys who are unattainable and/or not even gay/bisexual. Guys who fall for me are not at all compatible with me. I have been on many, many first dates. So many that I'd given up on dating for a while. A few of those turned into second and third dates, and a couple even turned into a friends with benefits kind of situation. Some of those unattainable/straight guys were even one night stands that I'm really not proud of. The problem is, every time I fell into bed with one of them, I was seeing our future together. I thought they were committing to me and I wanted it all. It seems we have the same kind of problem. So, the short answer is that I try to have no expectations. I think I'm going to adopt your outlook on relationships. Snuggles and just being me. I like it.

_How do you feel about a partner getting nervous and maybe a little damp every time he thinks about you? _I love it. Like I said, vain and loves attention. It thrills me to know my partner gets giddy when he thinks of me. Just so you know, your partner feels the same.

Sincerely,

Please be Very Straightforward With Me so I Don't Take Your Words the Wrong Way and Accidentally Think You're My Boyfriend When I'm Actually Friendzoned

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Hi (Does that make me sound not Drunk?) _

I just got home from Tina's party. By myself. I lost Sam and Tina but they're probably off fucking so I'm okay with that. The losing, not the fucking. I'm sorry I don't usually curse unless I'm drinking so whoops.

Tonight was so much fun! I've had too many drinks. I think I'm not drunk enough to not make mistakes. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Too many words make my brain hurt. You make my brain hurt, because I like you a lot but you live far away. I like you a lot more than I did when you lived in America. I think you're kind of perfect for me but I'm afraid to say it because this is new and I don't know if I'm mis...misinterrupting? shit what's that word your words and you might not feel the same way. Can I tell you a secret? Before this summer, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep dating you but now I'm so sure.

Can I tell you another secret? While the stripper was dancing I kept imagining he was you. He gave me a lap dance and his hands were your hands and his thighs were your thighs and it was like you were riding me and I got so hard that I had to go cool down because it's probably not acept...acca...okay to jerk off at your best friend's birthday party to the stripper you're imagining is the boy you're dating who you've never even seen naked (even though you'd really, really like to).

If I was with you right now, I'd ask you to slowly take off all your clothes and then run my hands all over that man beautiful body of yours. I'd ask you to undress me and I'd hope that your lips would trail every inch of exposed skin until you got to my dick where you'd tease it with your tongue until I was writhing and whimpering like I am right now. You'd notice I'd been fingering myself while you were going down on me and I'd beg you to take over while grinding against your sexy sexxy hot body. You'd take charge, flipping me over and fucking me until we were both screaming through our releases. Like...like I am...like I just did.

Fuuuck, I haven't come that hard in a long time. I wish you were here so we could cuddle. Please come home soon.

B xxx

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Oh. My. God.  
_

I am so fucked.

K


	4. Chapter 4

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Why?_

Why aren't any of you home and/or picking up your phones? I'm having a crisis!

This morning I woke up to an email from Blaine. An email from drunk Blaine. A sexy email from drunk Blaine. I may or may not have gotten off to it, but that's beside the point.

He said, and I quote (no, Santana, I'm not quoting the dirty stuff. Get your own fake boyfriend), "Before this summer, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep dating you but now I'm so sure."

This means he didn't like Troy, but he likes me, right? Am I interpreting that correctly? So he likes me, but he thinks I'm Troy. Troy who paid me to write a couple innocuous letters to Blaine over the summer even though he doesn't think their relationship will work out in the long run.

And that's just on his end. What about me? I'm downright enchanted with this boy whom I've never met. What have I gotten myself into?

K

* * *

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Why?_

I'll say it, since we're all thinking it. Get your head out of your ass and man up, Hummel. There are zero possible ways for this to end well if you don't come clean right now. The weird mystery pen pal seems to like you for some reason, so tell him who you really are. There's a good chance he won't want to go out with you, but at least I won't have to hear about this bullshit anymore.

S

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Why?_

I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone. It was 5:00 in the morning here, so sorry about your crisis, but this girl needs her beauty sleep.

Kurt, Santana's right. You have to tell him. You can't keep pretending to be not-Troy. I don't want to see you get hurt.

M

* * *

_From: Rachel Berry  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Why?_

Santana, you play tough, but we all know you'll be the one holding and soothing him when this all goes south, you big softie.

Kurt, I actually disagree with the girls. I think it's kind of romantic that you're building this connection without him knowing who you actually are and someday you'll have this magical moment where he finds out and you see each other for the first time.

Plus, if you tell him now, there's a good chance he'll end up hating you! So I support you.

Rachel Berry

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 2, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Why?_

Thanks, I guess, Rachel. Blaine hating me isn't the only reason I can't do it. I signed a contract with PTC agreeing to never reveal that I am not the person who hired me. If I break that contract, I lose my job. And I need a job, because apparently a recent college graduate with a four-year degree in English is unemployable.

I just...have to figure out how I'm going to handle this.

Here are the possible scenarios as I see them, from best to worst:

1\. We continue emailing until Troy returns, at which point he tells Blaine the news, Blaine searches wildly for me and runs across the city to my apartment where I sit, unsuspecting, and we have a beautiful union.

2\. I break the news to Blaine now, he asks for my contact information, and runs across the city to my apartment where I sit, unsuspecting, and we have a beautiful union. I lose my job and can no longer afford my rent and I have to move back to Ohio.

3\. We continue emailing until Troy returns, at which point he tells Blaine the news, Blaine is horribly offended, and I never hear from him again.

4\. I break the news to Blaine now, he is horribly offended, and I never hear from him again. I lose my job and can no longer afford my rent and I have to move back to Ohio.

So you see, I have no choice. I just...cross my fingers and hope for the best.

K

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 3, 2017  
__Subject: Please Give Me Another Chance_

I have never been more embarrassed in my life. I don't even know how I'm writing this email right now, because thinking about what I wrote to you the other night is making me sick to my stomach.

You haven't emailed me back, and I'm taking that silence to mean A) you are horribly offended by my crassness B) you don't want to date a sloppy drunk guy C) you and I were not on the same page and you had no interest in sex with me or D) all of the above.

I don't think I'll be able to put into words exactly how sorry I am that I sent that message. I don't drink often, but when I do, my filter disappears completely. I can't deny that I think about you often, and things I'd like to explore with you, but I apologize for making you read that if you don't feel the same, or if you aren't ready to go there. I promise I don't send messages like that to just anyone; I feel a real connection with you. I'm sorry if it has to end now because of my lack of self-control.

Again, please accept my apology. If you can forgive me, I'd like to continue talking with you, even just as friends.

Blaine

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 4, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Please Forgive Me_

Blaine, take a deep breath.

Now another.

Good.

Now pull yourself out of that bottomless pit of despair, because...listen very closely...you have _nothing _to worry about.

I am not offended. I don't think you're a sloppy drunk. I think we are on the same page. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed your email. (Take that however you wish. Any interpretation of it will be accurate.) I think you're fun and sexy and I have absolutely no problem with you sharing your desires. Please don't beat yourself up over this. I'm happy to send you a reply email if it'll make you feel better, where I guarantee I'll be even more crass and offensive. It's a talent of mine.

I'm sorry I didn't respond to your message more quickly. Maybe I was reveling in the feelings it made me feel and trying to figure out how appropriate it would be for sober me to reply with a similar email. Maybe I was abducted by camels. You'll never know.

Sincerely,

Seriously It's More Than Okay

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 4, 2017  
__Subject: No, I Was Not Sitting in Front of My Computer Waiting for a Reply/Sometimes I Think You're Too Good to be True_

I almost threw up on my keyboard when your email alert came through, I was so nervous. And then I read it and breathed the biggest sigh of relief in the history of sighs of relief. Words can't describe how thankful I am that this, the biggest blunder of my life, turned out to be not so bad. If anything, it has been a positive experience (minus the almost-vomiting and the days of anxious waiting and hating myself) because I now have seen another layer to just how amazing you are, and now you have seen all sides of me. Pure Blaine.

So can we pretend that never happened and return to our previously scheduled emailing?

Some important points related to the last message you sent before The Worst Email of My Life:

\- CUPCAKES

\- Now that I know one of your love languages is physical touch, too, there's no holding me back. Prepare for full on Octopus Mode.

\- I play piano and guitar and I sing. I can even play the harmonica. I should pick up accordion and become a one-man band. Would you come to see that show? Even if I called my act Blaine One-Man Banderson?

\- If you dress as Beyoncé's pregnancy announcement for Halloween, I will die. PLEASE, be responsible for my death.

Ugh. Cooper is lurking around behind me trying to see what I'm typing. I should start making obscene noises and scare him off forever. I'm pretty sure he's still scarred from walking in on me watching porn one time, so he's kind of skittish.

Oh my god I literally just apologized my guts out for being too obscene and I'm at it again. I can't help it; I'm feeling too comfortable with you. To be fair, you did offer to write an even more crass and offensive email back, so I guess we're to the no holds barred stage of our relationship.

I think Cooper figured it out. He just asked if I was emailing the guy I told him about (read: he forced me to tell him about) in the spring.

_That's entirely inaccurate. I said "Troy? Is that the boring, uninterested dickweed you were dating last spring?"_

I am SO sorry! I tried to delete it, but he told me if I did, he'd tell you my most embarrassing secret and I am really, really, not ready for that. Soooo…

I swear you're not boring or uninterested. I also never told him that you were either of those things. In the interest of full honesty, I may have said that when we first met, I wasn't sure you were that into me and that I hadn't yet discovered your depth. But that has changed. SO MUCH. I'm sure your first impression of me was also flawed. You probably thought I was an eager beaver dumb face with a great ass. Maybe that assessment was entirely accurate…

My point is, Cooper's visit is going just swell and he is in no way annoying me or trying to ruin my life.

How are things going in Egypt? I feel like I haven't been asking enough about you and the amazing things you're experiencing. Tell me about the friends you're making, the sights you're seeing, the things you're learning!

I have to go now to entertain you-know-who, who is demanding I take him to a Fourth of July celebration. Just so you don't get your hopes up, I will be refraining from drinking and very much not sending you cringey emails tonight. Talk soon.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Somehow Found Someone Who Likes a Big Dummy™ and is Willing to Forgive His Worst Mistakes

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 6, 2017  
__Subject: First Impressions..._

...Are the most lasting, as they say. Guess I'll never be able to forget your amazing ass. Works for me. And the way I understand it, you prefer it that way based upon your previous comments involving "impaling" and "a pole," so there's something to look forward to.

Don't worry about asking me about Egypt. Thinking about it too much just makes me miss home. And I really want to come home to be with you. Is that too forward? I guess I don't care. (Weird how I think that saying romantic things is more forward than saying I want to take advantage of your body. There's something wrong with me, but at least you know what you're getting into.)

I admire your brother's honesty, actually. I think he's just looking out for you, which is really very sweet. His approach — calling out the guy you're dating to his face — may be flawed, but there's heart behind it, so I can appreciate that. I love that your family is so supportive, albeit in their own quirky ways. My family is a little more conventional, but still supportive. It's funny to think I was ever worried about coming out to them. But I guess that's what you get growing up in conservative, small town Ohio.

Let's play a game of Would You Rather…? Warning: I have quite a stash of questions collected from the internet and some of them are quite dark. I'll start off easy, though.

Would you rather…

...get a papercut between your fingers every time you touch paper or bite your tongue every time you eat something?

...have penis sized nipples or a nipple sized penis?

...walk in on your parents or have them walk in on you having sex?

...marry someone you love or someone who loves you?

Hope you're enjoying Cooper's visit and that you can find a time to reply without him reading over your shoulder.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Happens to Really Like Pure Blaine

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 7, 2017  
__Subject: A Rockin' D_

Wait a minute! Why did that last email say you grew up in Ohio? I thought you've lived in Jersey your whole life. I can't believe you never told me you're a transplant! I have so many awful Ohio stories that I'm sure you can commiserate with.

Red alert: Cooper found out about The Worst Email of My Life. The morning he arrived I hadn't heard from you yet, and I was a mess. He kept asking until I told him. He may bring it up to you once or twice. Every time he sees you. For the rest of my life. He also wants you to know he agrees with your stance on strippers. Especially Sam. He thinks Sam is extra hot. For the record, Cooper's not gay (thank goodness because everyone thinks he's hotter than me). I'd define him as predominantly straight with a hearty appreciation for the male form. It's mostly all right until we're out at the grocery store and he blatantly points out other men saying "check out that one, Blainers! Bet he's got a rockin' D" and then I have to bury myself in a heap of Corn Flakes boxes and oatmeal packets for at least six hours.

This sounds like a fun game. Surprisingly, I like dark. So I'm ready. I'm bolding my choices.

_Would you rather…_

_...get a papercut between your fingers every time you touch paper or __**bite your tongue every time you eat something**__? _Speaks for itself. Papercuts take forever to stop stinging. Also I could just avoid touching paper. I cannot avoid eating things.

_...have penis sized nipples or a __**nipple sized penis?**_I'm probably alone in choosing this one. And I guess it would depend on my partner, but I would hope that whoever I was with wouldn't mind. That would be the mark of true love. From here on out I'm asking all potential suitors if they'd still date me if I had a nipple dick.

_...__**walk in on your parents **__or have them walk in on you having sex? _Controversial answer, maybe, but I could at least look away immediately and learn to block out the image. My parents actually have walked in on me before. My mom said "oh honey, I hope you're being safe! You know gay men account for a great majority of STIs and condoms can prevent 98% of those!" as she closed the door and I could hear my dad saying "I _knew _he was a bottom!" I couldn't look them in the eyes for days.

_...marry someone you love or someone who loves you? _Wow okay, that's a loaded question. I'm not even sure I can choose. I wouldn't be happy with someone whom I didn't love. But being with someone who doesn't love me? Been there. Done that. Do not recommend. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship without mutual love. Which I think is possible. Do you believe there's someone out there who's made for you? I was never sure, but recent developments have made me believe. [Cue the return of the nervous sweating.]

Anyway, here are your questions:

Would you rather…

...have sex with your boss to get promoted or give up the promotion?

...age only from the neck up or from the neck down?

...have a door long nose or a foot long tongue? …"like" a two-year old picture of your boyfriend's ex whom you were in the middle of Facebook stalking or accidentally send a sext to your mom?

Sincerely,

I Should Really Just Write These Emails Shirtless

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 9, 2017  
__Subject: NOT A DRILL_

An actual transcript of my conversation with Rachel this afternoon:

R: Hello, this is Miss Rachel Berry speaking, how may I—  
Me: HOLY SHIT IT HAPPENED I THINK I MIGHT PASS OUT  
R: Kurt? Slow down. What happened? Should I call an ambulance? Your dad?  
Me: [taking heaving breaths to calm the fuck down] I saw him.  
R: Who? Your dad?  
Me: No. _Him_.  
R: Sorry, who?  
Me: Jesus Christ. _Him_!  
R: _Jesus Christ?!  
_Me: Yes, Rachel, I just ran into Jesus Christ at the shoe store in New York City.  
R: Who, then?  
Me: Blaine.  
R: [in an unnaturally high pitched shriek] _WHAT?!  
_Me: [recovering from bleeding eardrums] I'm still trying to catch my breath. My hands are shaking.  
R: Where are you? I'll meet you.  
Me: I'm still outside the store. I can't really walk on my wobbly legs.  
R: I'm headed that way. Tell me all about it.  
Me: I wasn't going to approach him but I couldn't help myself. I saw him from across the store and my mind went blank. Next thing I knew I was standing next to my future make-believe husband and telling him the most awful and offensive joke I could have chosen.  
R: What joke?  
Me: I can't even repeat it.  
R: Kurt.  
Me: …  
Me: …  
Me: [crawling into a hole to die] How do Germans tie their shoes? With little _knotsies_.  
R: Oh no.  
Me. I told you.  
R: How did he respond?  
Me: He laughed. _Laughed_. Snorted, actually. He's a goddamn angel, Rachel.  
R: Oh, Kurt. Then what happened?  
Me: We kind of just stared at each other for a minute.  
R: What?  
Me: [After a long pause because I started thinking about Blaine's face again] Yeah he's so gorgeous I forgot how to function and unless I'm making things up again, he was having the same reaction. Then I snapped out of it and asked him about the shoes he was buying and gave him my recommendation, because as you know, I worked in a shoe store through college.  
R: That sounds exceptionally boring.  
Me: You wouldn't say that if you saw the way we were eye-fucking each other the whole time we talked about _tongues _and _tying them up_.  
R: I retract my previous statement.  
Me: We had a short conversation about where we live and what we're doing in the city, where I avoided mentioning the letter writing firm at all costs, and he was super dorky and so loveable and then his really hot friend called his name and he had to go. But before he left he did the whole shy and adorable "my name's Blaine" and I said "Kurt" but it came out more like "kchurr" because he smiled and there was a twinkle in his eye and I could see the nervous sweat beading on his forehead and I temporarily lost all motor speech skills.  
R: Sounds like a success. This is what you wanted! He seems to like you in person! So are you going to call him soon? Or did you give him your number instead?  
Me: …  
R: Oh my god you forgot to get his number.  
Me: [whining in despair]

There was a little bit more to it, mostly Rachel chiding me about not carrying around easily-accessible business cards and me putting my head between my knees to stop feeling nauseous.

God. I'm still a little breathless. Blaine in real life is overwhelmingly perfect. We had undeniable chemistry and I get tingly every time I replay that voice in my head. Wait, I just had the brilliant idea to go back and read his sexy email in his voice. Don't try to reach me for an hour or two.

K

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 10, 2017  
__Subject: Oops_

I'm putting this in an email because I can't bring myself to say it to your faces. Remember when you were all telling me not to fall in love with Blaine and I said I couldn't possibly because I don't know him and a bunch of other useless excuses?

Yeah. Oops.

K


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: This one is a little shorter, so I'm giving it to you as a bonus!  
For all of you who are frustrated with Kurt for being such an idiot, rest assured that he will get dumber before he finally gets smart. **

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 10, 2017  
__Subject: Plotting Revenge_

Rachel's useless boyfriend used my towel.

There is a not-so-mysterious stain left behind.

Jesse St. James must die.

K

* * *

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 10, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Plotting Revenge_

Say no more.

S

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 10, 2017  
__Subject: lt'll Take Some Getting Used to…_

...But I'll accept your nipple dick. This is a safe space and you should never be embarrassed, no matter what size any of your body parts are.

I'm sorry I never mentioned Ohio. I guess I blocked it out. I'm sure you can understand that.

I'm so sorry that you've had your parents walk in on you, but I'm so glad you lived to tell the tale. God, your family needs a sitcom. Who would play you and your parents? I'm sure Cooper would insist on playing himself. And he could sell it, too. I've seen those commercials of his, and let me just say: hottie with a body! (Ew. 90s and 2000s lingo was so gross, Dawg.) You're in luck, though, because he's not my type. Given a choice between the two of you, I'd pick you 99.9% of the time.

I do think that everyone has a "soulmate," so to speak. I've always loved that idea, especially when I was a kid coming to terms with the fact that my sexuality was something a lot of people saw as bad or wrong. I loved thinking that there could be someone out there who would accept me no matter what. I'm still holding onto that hope, but it's recently seemed like more of a possibility.

Now it's time for a shameful round of Would You Rather!

_Would you rather…_

_...__**have sex with your boss to get promoted**__ or give up the promotion? _This depends on many factors such as A) is my boss single? B) am I single? C) how much do I care about this promotion? D) is my boss a man? E) is my boss hot? (I already admitted this was shameful. No need to be surprised.) F) what kind of sex? G) what kind of repercussions would I face if someone found out? But in general, yeah, if the conditions were right I'd do it.

_...age only __**from the neck up **__or from the neck down? _Give me some more details. Is it regular aging? Or aging really quickly all at once? Either way. Fillers and face lifts.

_...have a foot long nose or __**a foot long tongue**__? _Imagine what I could do with a foot long tongue. To myself and to others. Yep.

…"_**like" a two-year old picture of your boyfriend's ex whom you were in the middle of Facebook stalking **__or accidentally send a sext to your mom? _My parents are not as cool as yours, sadly. They would give me a lecture on self-worth even though I am an adult who is allowed to throw himself around aimlessly, thank you very much.

Sorry to cut this short, but I've got to go meet up with some friends. Have a good night. (Always hoping you'll get tipsy and send me another glorious email, by the way. A boy can dream.)

Sincerely,

If I Age From the Neck Up, Does My Foot Long Tongue Lose Strength and Stamina?

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Burt Hummel  
__Date: July 11, 2017  
__Subject: #1 Dad Alert_

Thanks for the talk, dad. Although I think you're on Team Come Clean just because I would lose my job and have to come home to live with you. Yeah, I'm onto you.

I texted you and Carole a video of a baby penguin. You will have to tap on the text and push play to see it.

I love you. Thanks for being my biggest supporter no matter how sticky things get.

K

* * *

_From: Rachel Berry  
__To: Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 12, 2017  
__Subject: Are You Out of Your Mind?!_

How dare you cut holes in all of Jesse's pants he brought over? Those were expensive pants, and not to mention, NOT YOURS. What were you thinking?

Rachel Berry

* * *

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Rachel Berry  
__CC: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 12, 2017  
__Subject: No_

A)I don't know why you always assume it's me

B) Who even brings SIX pairs of pants for a one night stay?

C) It's for easier access all the times he takes it up the butt.

S

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 13, 2017  
__Subject: In Need of an Intervention_

It's been 3 days and Blaine hasn't responded to my email. He's usually on top of it. I miss his sweet words (and his raunchy words) already.

Do you think I said something that pissed him off? Looking back at my last email from that lens, I suddenly see hundreds of possibilities.

Will I seem overbearing if I double email him? Is that as bad as a double text? Do I need to get a life?

K

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 13, 2017  
__Subject: It'd Be Kind is Cute if it Wasn't so Twisted_

Aww, you're worried, aren't you? Don't even bother saying you're not. I can read you like a book, boy. Give it 3 more days before you try again. Then if we don't hear anything within a week, you can panic. Or go stalk him like I know you're dying to do.

M

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 13, 2017  
__Subject: Offended_

Please. I still have _some _semblance of dignity.

K

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 16, 2017  
__Subject: Will I See You on a Milk Carton? _

Or are you intentionally avoiding me? Or did something honestly come up?

It's been a week since I've heard from you last and I'm wondering what I said that upset you. Is it because I said I'd sleep with. My boss for a promotion? Because I'd never do it if I was taken. In my mind, cheating is the worst thing a person could do to someone they love. Is it because I said there was a .1% chance I'd choose Cooper over you? Because that was a joke. You're my #1. Is it because I said if I had a foot long tongue I'd give myself a tongue job? Because I can't apologize for or justify that.

Sorry, I'm sure you're just occupied and I'm the one coming across as an overbearing loser now. My positive attributes are endless.

Sincerely,

I'll Make Sure They at Least Use a Good Picture of You for Your Missing Poster

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 16, 2017  
__Subject: I Have Not Been Kidnapped, Murdered, or Otherwise Harmed_

I am _so _sorry I left you hanging. I needed a few days to sort out some things in my head. I still don't know if I'm there, but I'm trying. I think the best course of action is to be completely honest, which usually ends in total and complete disaster, but here goes anyway.

A week ago today, I met someone. It's ridiculous that he's still on my mind because we only had about five minutes of conversation before Sam pulled me away to go to the comic book store, but I can't stop thinking about him. This is all so crazy because I feel such a deep connection with you. Yet he's there in my head all the time.

It won't change anything. I promise. I'm going to do my best to put Kurt out of my mind because I don't want him to interfere with what we have. I'm really sorry to hurt you this way. I apparently can't stop myself from making a complete mess out of everything all the time, so I'll understand if you want to break this off, but please be kind about it.

Sincerely,

Blaine Anderson, a Boy Whose Heart Doesn't Know a Good Thing When He's Got It

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 16, 2017  
__Subject: Fwd: I Have Not Been Kidnapped, Murdered, or Otherwise Harmed_

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

-Forwarded Message-

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 16, 2017  
__Subject: I Have Not Been Kidnapped, Murdered, or Otherwise Harmed_

_I am so sorry I left you hanging. I needed a few days to sort out some things in my head. I still don't know if I'm there, but I'm trying. I think the best course of action is to be completely honest with you, so here goes._

_[Continue Reading]_

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 17, 2017  
__Subject: Do It_

Now is the time. There has never been a more obvious sign. When Blaine realizes that fantasy boy Kurt and fake Troy are the same person, he's going to feel like Christmas came early.

Do It.

M

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 17, 2017  
__Subject: Hi_

If you're being honest, it's time for me to be honest. I met somebody a week ago too. The difference is, I kind of already know that person. We've been emailing all summer and I've sort of fallen hard for him. He's hilarious. He's genuine. He's sweet. He's everything I've ever wanted in a boy. He's you.

My name is Kurt Hummel, and I work for a letter writing service. I've been writing as Troy since June and I'm the one you feel the connection with. I'm the one you met last Sunday.

I didn't mean for things to get this messy. This started out innocently, as me just doing my job. I guess you were just too hard for me to resist.

I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again. If this is the end, it was a beautiful ride. I'll never forget you, Blaine.

K x

**[Draft Deleted]**

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 17, 2017  
__Subject: I Tried_

I tried, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I'm the biggest coward in the world. I just can't. I know I don't deserve anything good. Especially not Blaine. Or cookies.

K

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 17, 2017  
__Subject: Re: Hi_

Thank you for being honest with me and for honoring what we have. I strongly believe you can't help who you're attracted to, so I can't blame you, even if it hurts. But you know what? I really like you and you like me and we have a good thing so let's just put this behind us and move forward together if we can.

...good? Okay.

It's been a few weeks, but I can't stop laughing about Blaine One-Man-Banderson. I would most definitely go see your show if that was what it was called. I could be your opening act, even. I don't have as many musical talents as you apparently do, but I do sing, and I even have themed setlists prepared. You want Broadway? Done. Love songs? Done. Break up songs? Songs featuring animals? Songs about mortality and/or existential crises? I'm your guy.

How are things going on the Tina and Sam front, by the way? Two of my best friends dated once. Actually literally all of my best friends have dated the rest of my best friends at some point. Everyone thinks that relationships like that will ruin friendships and friend circles, but when a hookup or breakup happens every few days, it just becomes part of life. Plus, I was never involved and could always watch as an innocent bystander gobbling up the drama. #ForeverAlone

And give me an update on the doggies! What are their rich white owners having them shaved into these days? Have you had the urge to rescue any of them? I'm sure they have the most ridiculous of names, too. Maybe you wouldn't want to rescue any of them or you'd be calling out "get back here, Señor McGooglypants the fifth!" down the streets of New York. I mean, I guess it wouldn't actually be that unusual to see someone doing that in the city. So you do you. Kidnap away.

What did you end up doing with Cooper on the 4th? I was maybe only slightly (very) disappointed (devastated) that you kept your word and didn't get drunk enough to send me embarrassing (hot and sexy) emails. But there's always next time!

Sincerely,

Seriously When is Next Time?

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 17, 2017  
__Subject: You._

Are.

So.

Damn.

Dumb.

If I've ever said you're smart any time in my life, I take it back.

I'm not playing around, Kurt. I'm disappointed in you. You're so worried about yourself that you aren't thinking about Blaine or the real Troy at all. What will it take for you to come clean?

M


	6. Chapter 6

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 18, 2017  
__Subject: Do You Know…_

...how wonderful you are? Seriously. I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve you, but it just have been something really awesome like ending a drought or inventing dogs.

Speaking of dogs, it's time for _What Crazy Thing Did Someone Have Their Dog Groomed Into This Week?_

A)Yoda

B) panda

C) leopard

TRICK QUESTION I saw all three this week. Do you know how they made these poor babies look like that? Dye. People are now dying their dogs. And I still don't hate it. I must now reveal my darkest secret. Yes, I want to rescue all of these animals, but only so that I can admire Señor McGooglypants V in all his groomed glory. Also, I have been a dog walker before and Señor McGooglypants the Fifth might not be the craziest thing I've ever yelled down the street. (Also when I'm drunk I get loud and obnoxious and suggestive so at least one time in the history of my life I may have shouted at completely innocent passersby that my name is "Blaine Blaine can fuck your brains (out).")

And yet I still haven't told you my most embarrassing moment.

For the fourth, I took Cooper out to a friend's house that has a great view of the Macy's fireworks show. They had a campfire and s'mores and just enough girls who recognized Coop that he stayed occupied all night. He actually wanted to go home with one of them, but I kindly reminded him that he's almost a decade older than her and that sobered him right up. I'm nothing if not good for keeping him grounded. It was fun, though, because I got to see all of my old high school friends (they were all drunk and I was sober, which was hilarious) and watch a fantastic fireworks show (jury's still out on whether they are more fantastic under the influence). Did you get to celebrate at all even though you're not in the U.S.?

So...you sing? I'm kind of double crushing on you, hearing that. Music is a huge deal for me. It's been there through all my highs and lows and never lets me down. It's such a beautiful way to express yourself, too. Or a very awkward way. Someday I'll tell you about this time I serenaded a guy in public but it turned out he didn't like me at all.

Where do I start with Sam and Tina? They definitely had sex the night of Tina's party. The stripper friend may have been involved. They've been avoiding each other the past few weeks, so I can only assume things did not go well. Tina is super intense about, well, everything, and Sam is intensely laid back. They fight a lot, but oddly they balance each other out. I'm rooting for them, even though I know it means they'd kick me out of the house, because when they are together, I've never seen them shine brighter. I'd take homelessness over unhappy friends any day. Plus, I know I'd always have a place to crash in that big fancy house of yours. Right? [Drip, drip]

Sorry to disappoint on the sexy email front, but I've made a fool of myself one too many times. Maybe it's your turn.

Okay, so I'm taking a random online English class for one of my electives and the professor is having us do an acrostic of our names to introduce us to the other people in the class. Please help? Here's what I have so far:

**B**ad at many things, acrostics included  
**L**ikes boys  
**A**wkward in absolutely every situation!  
**I **just want to be a social worker, why do I have to take this class?  
**N**ervous sweater  
**E**gypt sucks

Somehow I don't think this is the kind of information they're looking for, even though this accurately sums me up. Help me!

Sincerely,  
Blaine Anderson, Inventor of Dogs

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 18, 2017  
__Subject: Drinking a Bottle of Wine While I Write This_

I'm not that great, honestly. If you did something to deserve me in a past life, it was probably something totally mediocre like making the first microwave meal or being the second person to discover the color brown. You're the real gem here, Blaine Blaine can fuck your brains (out), and we both know it.

Please tell me the Yoda, leopard, and panda were not all on the same dog. And which one would be Senor McGooglypants V? I picture him as more of a sombrero kind of guy. I may have to put a stop to you rescuing weirdly groomed dogs. I'm very open and accepting as a rule, but that's a hard limit for me.

I also have a very hard time believing neither of those things are your most embarrassing moment. I need to befriend Cooper so he'll divulge your secrets.

I did get to celebrate the Fourth. It wasn't anything spectacular, but I went out to a nearby bar with a couple people and we sang karaoke to a bunch of really American songs. I'm so glad music is such a big deal for you. I already have a ton of date ideas for us when I get back.

I love that you put your friends before yourself. Sam and Tina (and the stripper) are lucky to have you in their lives. And stop that sweating, of course you can crash with me any time you want. I charge in snuggles.

You're right, maybe it's my turn to get sloppy and send embarrassing emails that aren't embarrassing at all and are actually very very very very very hot. Stay tuned. The wine is taking hold.

Your acrostic is adorable, but I can definitely do better.

**B**angin' ass  
**L**ike, really, really good ass  
**A**ss King  
**I**ncredibly good looking  
**N**ot fair, so good looking  
**E**gypt really does suck

Damn it, the roomie is here. So better luck next time with the saucy email.

Sincerely,  
Does This Make Me the Ass Queen?

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 19, 2017  
__Subject: I Want to Lick Your Abs_

Other things I want to do with you:

1\. Peel you out of your clothes  
2\. Have you peel me out of your clothes  
3\. I mean my clothes  
D. Actually it's sexy if I'm wearing your clothes so  
E. Have you peel me out of your clothes  
F. Lick your abs more  
G. Touch you everywhere  
H. Spend at least three minutes staring at your ass  
I. Tell you how much I love your ass  
I. Lick your ass  
J. Give you a lap dance like that birthday stripper  
K. Blow the fuckk out of you  
L. Accidentally tell you how much I like you in the middle of sex  
M. Get ready for round 2  
N. Slowly work you up again with a massage  
O. Whisper in your ear how gorgeous you are and how funny you are and how awesome you are  
P. Move that massage down to your ass  
S. Listen to your wrecked moans as I tease your ass with my cock  
T. Tie up your hands to the headboard with a scarf  
V. Lick your back  
U. Lick your ass again while you dirty talk me. So much dirty talk.  
W. Put on a condom because I am safe  
X. Fuck you slowly until we both see stars  
Y. Come inside of you (inside of the condom because I am safe)  
Z. Listen to your fucking wrecked moans as you come, too  
Z. Cuddle you until we die

I'm out of letters and I orgasmed around, like, T, so good night.

K x

* * *

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 19, 2017  
__Subject: Party Time Hummel _

Last night was fun. I miss being that drunk with you. But you should probably check your sent emails. I was definitely not reading over your shoulder from across the room with binoculars and definitely did not watch you get off to your own freaky fantasies. Hope Blaine enjoys it as much as you did.

S x

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 19, 2017  
__Subject: Ugh, Sorry_

Oops. Look at that. I really didn't intend to send you an email like that. I thought I was all talk. Admittedly, yours was much more eloquent than mine. I was probably much drunker. I totally get the embarrassment now. Let's dig a hole where we both can live out the rest of our pathetic lives alone together so nobody else knows the extent of our stupidity.

Sincerely,  
I Mean, I _Do_ Want to Lick Your Abs

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 19, 2017  
__Subject: Do Me a Favor_

Google the definition of _boundary_ and get back to me.

K x

P.S. thanks for looking out for me in your own weird way, San.

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 19, 2017  
__Subject: Oh_

No, now _I_ get it.

Yeah...I gotta go...take care of something…

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 19, 2017  
__Subject: Can Form a Complete Sentence Again_

Coherent Blaine is back! I had some business to attend to that involved re-reading that email about six times and, well, you know.

Wow, okay, so things I learned about our fantasy sex life: licking really does it for you, you want to get me off multiple times in a row, and tying up my hands? Didn't think I'd ever be into it, but now it sounds totally hot. You should maybe know that dirty talk is totally my thing. So there's that. Plus cuddles for life. You know the way to my heart. Don't think I didn't notice the sweet flirting you slipped in there, too.

So this is me being really silly and self-conscious and totally inappropriate because we haven't had this conversation yet and we've only just met a couple of months ago and most of our relationship has been over email while you're not even in the country, but are you sleeping with other people?

I take offense to you saying the color brown is mediocre. I happen to love brown. It's the color of chocolate and the earth and little bunnies and potatoes. It's also the color of Señor McGooglypants' sombrero. However, I accept the terms of your hard limit and resign myself to knowing I will never have a sombrero'ed doggy.

You do not, ever, under any circumstances get to befriend Cooper. There's no doubt in my mind the two of you would make a great pair of team-up-on-Blaine-ers and would waste no time in sharing my greatest failures and mock me to no end. What is left of my ego and self-confidence couldn't bear it. Plus I don't want to share you with him and also he is supposedly hot and you might want to lick his abs and he would probably let you.

Oh my gosh, American Karaoke is the theme of my Fourth of July party for next year. Born in the USA, Coming to America, and the national anthem will be the headliners. Only boys with cowboy hats, American flag print clothing and high socks with sandals will be allowed in. We will drink only Bud Light and eat hot dogs and play cornhole and...never mind, I realized I'm just describing a regular Fourth of July party.

So far today, Sam and Tina seem to have reached a truce and are politely acknowledging each other. I am feeling the need to play matchmaker and set them up. Any grand ideas? And don't say plan a dinner for all three of us and then not show up, because I've tried that. Also not locking them out of the apartment together, because I've tried that too.

I'll give you all the snuggles you could ever want for free. Just saying.

I'm trying to decipher the "K x" at the end of that email, though. Was it like an "okay, bye. Kisses!" Was it emphasizing K and X on your list, because okayyy. I'm accepting alternative reasons, but that last one is my favorite.

Your acrostic is flattering and now printed out and hanging on my mirror, but unfortunately entirely unhelpful. Thank you anyway.

Sam and I have plans to see _Spider-Man: Homecoming _tonight because we are big huge nerds, but not big enough, huge enough nerds to see it on opening night. We're going to dinner beforehand at a restaurant I've been eager to try out, so I'm super excited. (I realize this makes it sound like a date, but while I did have a fleeting crush on Sam back in freshman year, you should know that there has never been anything between us and all of our "dates" are totally platonic.) Who is your favorite superhero? (Please say you've at least seen superhero movies.) I geek out for Iron Man because he's the best, and also because RDJ is a sex bomb. Sam and I have been to NYC Comic Con every year since we've lived here and I've dressed up as Iron Man 2 out of 3 of those years. I need fresh ideas. Maybe your answer can be my inspiration.

Sincerely,  
Super Sweaty Awkward Boy!

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 20, 2017  
__Subject: Accidental Stalking _

I just saw Blaine again. I swear I'm not even stalking him on purpose. We were both waiting to get on the same train. Even though it's 6,457,309 degrees out, he still looked perfect. Before you ask, no I didn't talk to him. I actually panicked and ran down to the other end of the station. Because — and I'm well aware that this is the dumbest thing I've ever thought in my whole life — I didn't want to make him feel torn between me and Troy.

My head is a weird place to be right now, Mercedes.

I can't stop thinking about how he looks, though (and more specifically, what he'd look like without clothes on), because his face and his body totally do his personality justice. Gah! Have you ever had someone bulldoze into your life and have them just overtake your brain like this? It's dumb and amazing.

And HELLO, you can't just spring a new single on me like that. It's sooooo good. Did I tell you Blaine loves music? I can't wait to share it with him. I wonder if he's a fan of yours…

Sorry, this isn't all about Blaine. It's also about how fantastic you are. I got my tickets for your opening night, by the way. I know you'll be so busy, but let me know if you want us to organize a celebratory dinner or anything.

Send me more music as soon as you can. Im HUNGRY for it.

K

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 21, 2017  
__Subject: Surprised That Worked in My Favor_

I hope you had fun on your date with Sam. Sounds like you two have an epic bromance. I haven't seen many superhero movies lately, but I used to have a really good friend who forced me to see them all the time. My favorite was Thor. Why, you ask? I'll say it. I'd die for the Hemsworth family. And now I'm imagining you as Thor and yep please please please let that be your costume this year and please please please let me see it in person.

For the record, I'm not, like, weirdly into licking or anything. Which you would never guess by literally everything I've said in the last 24 hours. But I'm glad you're open to it and to bondage. I may have died a little bit when you said dirty talk is your thing. And yeah, I crave a little romance and intimacy in my sexual encounters, what of it?

You asked if I'm sleeping with other people. Blaine. Of fucking course I'm not sleeping with other people. Can't you tell how much I like you? I'm sorry I made you question that. Why were you worried about that? Unless _you're_ sleeping with other people?

You're asking the right person about ideas for setting up Sam and Tina. I've successfully played matchmaker a few times in my life. It sounds like you're approaching it all wrong by trying to get them to work it out on their own. They clearly need a mediator. What you should do is get them drunk (every good plan starts with alcohol) and have them play the Newlywed Game, except all the questions are about what they're looking for in a boyfriend/girlfriend. The last question for all the bonus points is "What are 3 qualities you most admire in your partner?" And that's where you get them. You'll obviously need at least 2 other couples, maybe one that is dating and one that is married, if you know anyone. To quote my best friend: "I know this is a good idea because it is mine."

Sorry to disappoint, but the "K x" sign off was a typo. I am partial to your explanation, though. Letters K and X are two of my favorites.

Music question for you...what do you think of Mercedes? I may be a little biased, but I love her entire discography, and her new music is to die for. You know she toured with Beyoncé a couple years ago? I saw them in Philly and I'm pretty sure I had an out of body experience.

So I need your advice on something. What would you do if you'd given up on something that was once your biggest dream and you suddenly had the opportunity to possibly make that dream come true? Even if it's a really really long shot and it's just a small step on the way to that dream and nothing will probably come of it? Sorry, I'm being silly and way too vague. Just ignore me. It's not as if you want to get into a discussion with me about dreams. Do you?

Sincerely,  
ThorLover38

* * *

_From: Jesse St. James  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: July 22, 2017  
__Subject: Audition_

Kurt,

Attached is the information for tomorrow's audition for my show. Rachel said you're hesitant to go, but I really do think you'd be perfect for the ensemble. I hope to see you there.

Jesse

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 22, 2017  
__Subject: Did You Know?_

"I heard on the internet that next year is twenty gayteen!" Or so an overly enthusiastic text from my dad says. I don't think there even _is_ a next possible level for him to reach, but pray for us all because I'm sure he'll find a way to go two steps higher than that. He couldn't find rainbow 2018 glasses (you know the kind where the 0 and the 8 are your eye holes?) so he's 3D printing them himself. IT'S JULY.

Your weird rambling about lost dreams and opportunities actually resonates with me. In high school, I wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue music performance or social work. One was my first and most passionate love, the other is something I've grown to be passionate about, and most practical. Music is something I can always have with me and do as a hobby, but I've given up the dream of being a professional. However, if an opportunity presented itself, say, performing for a record exec, then I would take it in a heartbeat, even if it seemed impossible. I couldn't live with always wondering _what if_. I'm not sure if that helps you at all. Because you gave me less than zero details. But good luck anyway with whatever it is. And just so you know, I'll talk about dreams with you any time.

But let's focus in on one specific dream. Thor. Done. I won't ever be a Hemsworth, but I can dress up as one and pretend I look that good. (Maybe I sort of might have kind of a serious self-consciousness and body image problem?) (Also I'm bordering on not believing you about not having a weird licking obsession.) Spider-Man was good and dinner was great and the company was better. The only thing that could have made it better is if you had been there, too.

The only reason I asked if you were sleeping with other people is because of my stupid self-doubt thing and how I'm totally not good enough for you and you could have anyone you wanted but I am in no way with anyone else. I didn't think you were either, but you know. Anxiety.

I LOVE your idea for setting up Sam and Tina. I am a serious fan of a game night and a serious fan of you. You're a genius.

I saw Mercedes and Beyoncé on their tour too! I saw them in Columbus, though. Mercedes is an Ohio legend. Did you know she grew up not far from where I did? Her voice is heavenly. I'm sure you heard she's playing Jenna in Waitress for a limited run. Tickets are going so fast, but I'll die if I don't get them.

Good news, though. Cooper just landed a voiceover role in Toy Story 4! I'm so excited for him. He said I can be his date to the premiere. I hope I don't faint when I see Tom Hanks. I'll have to wear at least 3 shirts so my nervous sweat isn't visible.

I'm doing a double volunteer shift at the shelter today because they are running a huge adoption event. Wish me luck and hope that I don't come home with pockets full of kittens!

Sincerely,  
Ass King


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: In this chapter, you will see an email involving the real Troy. Pay attention to the From/To lines. The real Troy will be Troy W. Levison (as opposed to Kurt's account of Troy Levison). It is also worth emphasizing that the account Kurt has been using is not Troy's normal account. **

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 23, 2017  
__Subject: I Did Not_

So your dad likes to plan ahead. That makes him weird? Please tell him I'd like 5 pairs of those rainbow 2018 glasses. I did not know about twenty gayteen, so thanks to your dad for keeping up with the news. What would we do without him?

Your answer about dreams was way off base. I was definitely not talking about my own former dream of being a musical theatre performer that I gave up on because I didn't get into a performing arts school and opted for a boring major instead because I apparently hate myself. That is to say, you have no idea how helpful your advice was. I took a chance on something and we will see if it pays off.

I can't believe you are going to meet or pass out in front of Tom Hanks. That's so great for Cooper, too. But mostly you and Tom. Did you have a Sleepless in Seattle poster on your wall growing up and pretend it was because you thought Meg Ryan was hot? No? Me either. Oh! You know Jodi Benson voices Barbie, right? She's the shit. I also did not have a Little Mermaid poster on my wall and draw little hearts around Prince Eric's head. Nope.

Please tell me you brought home pockets full of kittens from the adoption event! So what if your apartment complex doesn't allow pets? They're not pets, they're tiny, furry, future assholes. I don't know why I don't have handfuls of cats. I can really relate to their off-the-charts bitchiness.

Hey Blaine? Stop with the "I'm not good enough for you" bullshit. A) I'm not as great as you make me out to be and B) you're actually pretty fantastic. Maybe I can have anyone I want. I still pick you, though. I'm glad you aren't with anyone else, and I promise to do a better job quelling that anxiety by always reminding you that you're the only one I'm interested in. I can also help you work on that body image and self-consciousness problem. I have many many ideas in my head of how we can do that, and most of them involve me worshipping you and making love to various parts of your body. You might be surprised to learn that none of them involve me licking you. I'll never lick anything again just to prove to you that I don't have a weird licking thing. Good bye, ice cream cones.

Sincerely,  
Coming to Terms With an Ice Cream-less Life

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 23, 2017  
__Subject: Blaine Anderson's…_

...No good, very bad, very very very bad day.

They say bad things come in threes, right? I guess that means nothing else bad can happen to me this week.

Conversations between you and I are usually light and fun, and when real things come up, we say we'll put it off until we see each other. But I hope it's okay for me to talk to you about my day now, even though I can't hug you like I want to. Maybe kiss, too?

One of my best little buddies at the shelter had to be put down today. He's been there for almost a year and he would get so excited when I'd come take him for a walk. His name was Owen, and they found cancer in his sweet doggy body, but there was nobody to pay for his treatment, so we said goodbye to him. I was there with him and hugged him until the very end. I really, really wish you were here right now and that you didn't mind me crying like a baby on your shoulder. I am NOT pretty when I cry.

After I got home from that awful goodbye, I got a call that my grandfather is in the hospital with what started as pneumonia. My mom says I should probably come home to visit soon, because he's not breathing on his own and he'll be moved to hospice care. This is the first family member I've come close to losing, so these are all new emotions for me.

And to top off the worst day, Sam took me to my favorite sushi place to help me feel better, and I got food poisoning. So I'm writing this from my phone while sitting next to the toilet, who is my new best friend and worst enemy. I'm never eating sushi again. No, I'm never eating any kind of fish again. Actually, I'm never eating anything ever again.

I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, but I just really wanted to talk to you. You're the only one who gets me 110%. I wish you were here. I wouldn't even mind you knowing what I look like dying on the bathroom floor, and that's saying something. I'll give you a hint: it's something akin to a pale, moaning, dying fish. I get very helpless when I have even a small cold, so I apologize in advance and hope you can handle another layer of weird.

I can hear Tina coming back from her shift at work, so I have to go. When I'm sick she gets a little overbearing and...oddly sexual?

Sorry again for writing you just because I'm having a bad day. I'm not normally a complainer, I promise. I hope your day is going infinitely better than mine.

Sincerely,  
Sad, Pukey, and Missing You

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 23, 1017  
__Subject: Your Fault for Eating Such a Risky Food_

Oh, Blaine. That sounds like the worst bad day of all bad days. Don't apologize for wanting to talk it out and process everything. That's what I'm here for. The good and the bad. And the sexy. And yes, even the pukey and the helpless. I'm the total opposite when I'm sick. I pretend like nothing is happening to me and overexert myself until I literally can't go on. We'd make quite a pair if we got sick at the same time.

Owen was so lucky to have a friend like you in his life until the end. You have such a kind heart, Blaine, it's one of the things that draws me to you. Between your heart and your ass, I never stood a chance.

Are you going back home to visit your grandpa? I hope you have the chance. Tell me about him. What was your relationship like growing up? It's so hard to lose someone close to you, especially watching your parents go through it.

I am less than sympathetic about the food poisoning, though, because you did know the risks before putting undercooked fish into your body.

I'm joking. I've been there. It's horrible and I feel so sorry for you. But can you explain what you mean by Tina getting sexual when you're sick? Should I be worried? Does she have some sort of sickness fetish? That could be why her and Sam can't work things out. He refuses to let someone sneeze in his mouth and catch their illness. Just saying.

Bad things may come in threes, but so do good things. Sounds like you haven't had any lately, so you've got great things coming your way. One good thing you can always count on is me. And chocolate.

That's what I'd do if I was with you. I'd bring over too much chocolate and hug you until you were completely cried out and had fallen asleep on my chest with my fingers in your hair. To be fair, though, I'd do that on your good days (minus the crying). Knowing me is great for your mental health but bad for your waistline, or so I've been told. Good thing you're a runner. (I'm pretty sure the only reason I work out is so I can eat more food. Someone once told me that wasn't a healthy way to view things, but I just ate a bag of chips while they watched.)

I have something that might cheer you up, though. I scored two tickets to Mercedes' opening night of _Waitress. _Please say you'll come with me? Would it make a difference if I told you they're in the front row?

Anyway, I'm sorry you're having the worst day ever, and if you need to talk more, don't hesitate to email me.

Sincerely,  
Chips and Chocolate. Chocolate Chips. Have You Ever Tried Chocolate Covered Potato Chips?

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 26, 2017  
__Subject: A Confession_

I'm sorry I've been MIA for the past couple days. I did fly home to visit my grandfather in the hospital. He's hanging in there, but I'm glad I went to see him anyway. He's my closest grandparent, and the one I always spent time with growing up. Cooper and I would go spend a month at his lake house each summer until we went to college. He's actually the first person I came out to, because I knew that he loved me unconditionally. It's hard watching someone whose strength and hard work I've always admired near the end of their life.

But this email isn't meant to be a bummer. I actually have something I want to say. I've been agonizing over whether or not to say it, but I talked it over with my grandpa and that gave me some clarity on the matter. I mean, he couldn't actually respond because he's on a ventilator, but he squeezed my hand in support, so…? I'm taking it as a "DO IT, BLAINE, YOU BIG DUMB IDIOT!" which is what he'd say to me if he could, I'm sure.

I still don't know if it's right to tell you over email, or if I should wait for you to come back. What if when you're back you see me again and realize I'm not as great as you remembered? What if you tell me you had a good time emailing me this summer, but you're only back in NYC to collect your things and then run away with a nice Egyptian boy you met? What if a week after you're back you decide that I'm too much to handle because I've texted you 342 times on Wednesday alone and I want to be around you (read: cling to you like a koala to a tree) 24/7? I'm not sure I could bear the heartbreak. (Pun sort of intended.)

But I have to do it now, because I'm too worked up about it and if I sleep on it, it'll only build up inside of me and I'll probably end up doing something stupid like stowing myself away in a giant balloon to get into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and clawing my way out the top of Pikachu to stand on its head and scream it for the entire world to hear.

Okay, I am most definitely stalling.

Here goes.

You should know that I'm not even sweating.

My armpits have just turned into waterfalls.

If that's not sexy enough for you, remind me to tell you about what my chair looks like right now.

Okay, I'm just going to do it on three.

1...2...3.

I'm in love with you.

You are all I can think about ever. The way you make me laugh with your wittiness and your lists, the way you understand me and bring me back to reality when I'm off in a spiral of self-hatred, the way you make my stomach flop around when you flirt and say dirty things, the way you reassure me and make me feel confident and worthy...you are so special to me.

Maybe this is ridiculous because we've hardly spent any time with each other in real life, and maybe you don't feel the same way at all, but I can't stop from wanting to be with you for real and forever. When I close my eyes, I see us singing together in a small coffee shop, I see you cheering me on at my first, second, third...seventeenth half marathon, I see us with three dogs and five cats and a little Devoon, and god I want it so badly with you.

Normally this is the part where I'd get all weird and say that I was too pushy and needy and spoke too soon and you should just leave me forever and that if I never heard from you again I wouldn't blame you. But this time, I'm certain of it, and I'm not apologizing for how I feel.

I love you.

You make me feel like I could fly, if I wanted to.

Love,  
YES OF COURSE I WILL SEE WAITRESS WITH YOU ARE YOU INSANE?

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry  
__Date: July 26, 2017  
__Subject: Why Are You Never Around When I Need You?_

Where are you? Why aren't you answering your phones? Is this some sort of conspiracy? I am having a serious crisis! (Yes, again.) (No, it's not a drunk, sexy email this time.)

I am freaking the fuck out. Blaine admitted he's in love with me. Or Troy. I don't even know anymore. This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me. Why is this happening to me? Don't answer that.

Damn it. What do I do? Oh I'm so fucked. Someone come stop me before I panic-eat all of the carbs in this loft.

K

* * *

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 26, 2017  
__Subject: Chill Out_

I was on the train home from work. I'll be there in ten minutes. Stop panicking. Mama's on her way.

S

* * *

_From: Rachel Berry  
__To: Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez, Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 26, 2017  
__Subject: Most Horrible Thing?_

Why is it the most horrible thing to happen to you? I thought you wanted him to feel the same way about you that you do about him! This is fantastic news! Now you just have to tell him who you really are and either you'll live the most perfect fairy tale ending, or he'll never want to talk to you again! I'm rooting for the fairy tale!

Your Friend,  
Rachel Berry

P.S. I told you you were a big softie, Santana

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez  
__Date: July 26, 2017  
__Subject: Love From CA_

I just tried to call back, but it's going straight to voicemail.

You have to tell him the truth now. This is the end of your game. I can't believe it took Blaine falling in love with (sort of) you before you did something about it, but here we are.

Don't worry, Kurt. If you have the relationship you've been telling us about for the past 2 months, Blaine won't not want to talk to you ever again. You may have some explaining to do and some trust to earn, but I think he will hear you out. You can do it.

M x

* * *

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 26, 2017  
__Subject: We Have a Serious Problem_

Kurt is fucked up. In both ways. I may have brought home a fresh bottle of tequila.

He's so confused and upset that he's going to hurt Blaine, which he obviously will. He's blacked out now, but tomorrow he's going to tell him the truth.

I need both of you on standby in case this goes horribly wrong. I'd say chances are 80/20 that it will. This is why love is for losers.

S

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Mercedes Jones  
__Date: July 27, 2017  
__Subject: It Was Nice Knowing You _

Thanks for being my friends. Even you, Rachel. Today is the day I face the music and come clean. I may never be the same again. But that's probably from "Shot shot night" (thanks for nothing, Santana). I don't know what I'm more afraid of. Troy's response, Blaine's response, or myself?

K x

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Troy W Levison  
__Date: July 27, 2017  
__Subject: Personal Touch Correspondence Service_

Troy,

My name is Kurt Hummel and I have been assigned your request of writing to Blaine this summer. I am writing to inform you that something on my end has gone terribly wrong. I must say in advance that I am ashamed of my lack of professionalism in handling this matter, and I understand any measure you must take to report me and receive your money back.

I am a 22 year old gay male, and when I received the assignment with your description of Blaine and his picture, I immediately saw the appeal. I promised, though, to keep my emails vague and write as you. As soon as Blaine began to respond, however, I was drawn to him. In just a few short weeks, I found myself writing as me, and we were forming a nearly unbreakable bond with each other. I never once divulged my true identity, so Blaine believes that the feelings he has developed throughout the summer are for you.

I regret many of the decisions I've made this summer, but getting to know the incredible person you are so fortunate to date isn't one of them.

I have no choice now but to tell Blaine the truth, and break my contract with PTC. As stated above, please take the appropriate steps to file a formal complaint against me. I apologize for any hardship my indiscretion has caused you.

My sincerest apologies,  
Kurt Hummel

* * *

_From: Troy Levison  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: July 27, 2017  
__Subject: Officially the Worst_

I have something to tell you too. This time, it's me saying that you're going to hate me for it and I'll never hear from you again, but I deserve that. This time it's justified.

I think I could rival you in a sweating competition right now. Though mine is less nervous sweating than it is I'm a horrible, horrible person sweating.

I am not Troy Levison. My name is Kurt and I work for a letter writing service. Troy hired me this summer because he wanted to stay in touch with you while he was in Egypt. I was only supposed to email you just enough to stay connected, but from your first email, I was hooked. I couldn't stop replying, and then you opened up more and I opened up more, and everything spiraled out of control.

These emails were all a big lie. I mean, they weren't in that I meant every word I ever wrote, but they were a lie because I'm not the Troy you fell in love with. I'm not a runner nor an anthropologist with a dog. I'm just Kurt, this selfish, awful fool with a lot of regrets.

I had no intention of ever hurting you in all of this, and it wasn't until you declared your love for Troy that I realized how spectacularly I had failed. I am so sorry, Blaine. You deserve much better than this deception. You're a sensational person.

I've told Troy what I did, so I don't know where the two of you go from here, but at least there are no more lies.

I am so, so endlessly sorry. It has been beautiful getting to know you.

Sincerely,  
Come on, at Least Sneak in on the Snoopy Balloon

* * *

_Google Chat  
__July 28, 2017_

**Santana Lopez: **He's not well. This is a Kurt emergency.

**Rachel Berry: **I can take the morning shift while you go into work tomorrow, Santana. Mercedes, is there any way you can fly in for a couple days?

Rachel Berry

**Mercedes Jones: **I'm working on it. What happened? I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.

**Santana Lopez: **He emailed the real Troy and then he emailed Blaine the truth. He hasn't heard anything from either. I found him weeping into his MacBook yesterday afternoon and I had to smack his head to get him to move. He doesn't know when Troy will get his email, but he's expecting to hear from PTC to fire him every time the phone rings.

**Rachel Berry: **The usual breakup tricks aren't working. He's inconsolable! He won't even eat ice cream or watch a musical. We need reinforcements.

Rachel Berry

**Mercedes Jones: **Okay, I'm on it. I'm going to call Burt, too.

**Santana Lopez: **Rachel, you don't need to sign your name after every message. We know it's you.

**Santana Lopez: **Thanks, M. Keep us updated.

**Rachel Berry: **I put my signature on everything I write so nobody else can take credit for any genius that may come out of me.

Rachel Berry

**Santana Lopez: **Oh god. I'm rolling my eyes so hard they flew out of my head.

**Mercedes Jones: **Let me know if anything changes. Give Kurt my love.

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Troy Levison  
__Date: July 28, 2017  
__Subject: How?_

I've read and re-read that email a hundred times. How could this be? I know I'm a Big Dummy™, but I just don't understand. You were so perfect to me. We had something. Something big. And this whole time I was talking to someone I don't even know? Someone who was lying to me? I fell in love with you, Troy, or Kurt, or whoever you are. You're going to have to do better than that explanation.

I don't know whether to be angry or embarrassed or extremely sad. I've told you everything. I've made a fool of myself in front of you multiple times. I've given you my heart. Never in a million years did I guess you would have willingly taken it and torn it to shreds.

Please help me understand, Kurt.

Sincerely,  
Apparently Angry Sweats are a Thing Too

* * *

**[Message undeliverable. Address not found.]**


	8. Chapter 8

_From: Santana Lopez  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Rachel Berry  
__Date: August 5, 2017  
__Subject: I am SO Underappreciated_

Your boy has officially lost it. Mercedes, you felt bad for leaving him while he was so far down in his bottomless pit of despair, but you should see him now. He's fucking manic. He's blasting god awful showtunes and dancing around the loft cleaning up his disgusting mess of tissues and wine bottles and self-pity.

I stopped him (it took a full on body check to do it) and asked "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

He grabbed my face, said "nothing at all!" and laughed like a lunatic.

I don't really have a plan, but if I did, it would be to let his psychosis run its course and not let him out of my sight until it does. Just the thought of it exhausts me. He better remember what a good friend I am for the rest of his goddamn life.

S

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: August 6, 2017  
__Subject: The Best_

You're the best friend in the world. Don't tell Rachel or Santana; if you do, I'll deny it anyway. Thank you for flying out here to take care of this invalid when you have so much going on in your own life. I already miss our cuddles and you playing with my hair while we watch the best movies ever made like Clueless and Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2. Your Hollywood stories almost made me forget how awful my life was for a little while. When you move here for your Broadway run, I might have to come over every single night. I'll bake you cookies again to persuade you. Yes, okay, I know it was a coping mechanism and that 27 batches of oatmeal cookies in two days is too many. But like...they're almost gone. Plus, I'm better now. I don't even know why I was so upset in the first place. I'm fine, everything is fine, my life is fine.

It's not like I'm counting or anything, but we only have 32 days until you live in New York! I know you'll be super busy, but hopefully you can make time for your best buddy. You never know. Maybe I'll be busy too.

Love you lots.

K

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Burt Hummel  
__Date: August 6, 2017  
__Subject: Check on Kurt? _

Hi Burt,

The girls and I are worried about Kurt again. He's safe and well, but it's like he flipped a switch and he's trying to pretend like nothing is wrong. And he _still _won't talk to us about what happened. Not a word. You're the only one who can get through to him. Don't let him off the phone until he spills.

Mercedes

* * *

_From: Rachel Berry  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez  
__Date: August 7, 2017  
__Subject: Eavesdropping_

Hello lady friends,

I come bearing news that I am in the process of learning through eavesdropping. Except it's not really eavesdropping because our walls aren't actually walls so we all know to go elsewhere or ask for privacy if we're having a private conversation. I wasn't supposed to be home right now, though, so maybe it isn't as moral as I usually strive for.

Oh well.

Kurt has his dad on speakerphone. I walked in right at what I assume was the beginning of their conversation and Burt was asking Kurt what was going on. He tried to tell his dad he's fine, but Burt told him he's staying on the phone until he talks, and if he hangs up, he'll drive out here and make him talk then. So as far as I can tell, they've been sitting in silence for a couple minutes. I wonder who will cave first. I should make popcorn! Oh, but then Kurt would know I was home and this would all be ruined. I'll just get out some of the chocolate I keep stashed away in my room so my gluttonous roommates don't eat it.

Oh! While I was finding my chocolate, something happened. I can hear a muffled sound...I think Kurt's crying again. They're still not talking.

Yeah, he's definitely crying. He did so much of it last week that I thought he couldn't cry anymore. Oh boy. He's really going at it. Burt is asking if he's okay. Between gasps he says "No, I've ruined the best thing life ever gave me!" I don't know why he ever gave up his dream of acting. He's clearly cut out for the dramatic.

Burt is soothing him and telling him to take his time. Call me wishful, but I think we're finally going to get our answers.

Kurt just said "I always knew there was an expiration date on our relationship. I just wasn't prepared for what would happen when that day came." Maybe he should write screenplays instead of letters to strangers.

He's crying again.

Uh oh. The dam just broke and now he's talking so fast I have to strain to hear every word. Here's what I'm catching:

Blaine said he's in love with Troy/Kurt (we know this)

Kurt told Blaine the truth (we also know this)

Kurt told Troy almost the truth (he omitted that Blaine actually said the three words) (we mostly know this)

Kurt hates himself for A) doing this to Blaine B) doing this to himself and C) not coming clean sooner (this is not surprising)

Kurt does not regret breaking the rules and falling in love with Blaine (this is surprising)

Kurt has not heard from Blaine since sending his email about who he really is (we assumed this)

Kurt did NOT tell Blaine that he is the same Kurt from the shoe store (Burt did not ask why, and I am mad at him for that) (this is surprising too)

Immediately after sending his last email to Blaine, he deactivated the PTC Troy email account. (WHY KURT WHY?) (Burt did not ask this either) (this is surprising and infuriating)

Kurt has not been fired from PTC. In fact, he keeps getting new assignments (this is surprising and raises more questions than it answers like does Troy not know yet? Does he know and not care? Does he know and support the budding yet false romance between Kurt and Blaine?)

Kurt finished his story and I can hear silence again, but I don't think he's crying this time. Maybe he's broken now.

Burt just said "I'm generally very proud of how smart you are, but you were such an idiot." Which I think we can all relate to. This could have been Kurt's epic love story if he wasn't so stupid about it. If he doesn't write it, I'll turn it into a heterosexual movie where I'm the star.

Kurt's back in self-pity mode. Santana, bring more Rocky Road when you come home. Never mind, we have 9 dozen cookies in which he can drown his sorrows.

Yes! Burt did ask why Kurt did not tell Blaine he's _that_ Kurt. His response was "I don't know, dad. Maybe I wanted to keep at least one thing pure? Blaine and I can both keep that memory of us meeting in the shoe store without any negative associations." Burt said "and if you run into him again some day?" Kurt said "I'll run in the other direction?" They're both laughing, but I don't think it's funny. I still think they're destined for each other!

Shoot. I missed what Burt said, but Kurt is sighing and taking his time answering.

"Because I'm a selfish asshole," he says. Burt's telling him to stop being so hard on himself.

Kurt says "it's true, though. I didn't want to hear the awful things Blaine had to say to me, or worse, hear how hurt he was by the whole thing, so I cut off his way to communicate with me."

THANK GOODNESS FOR BURT. He just asked if Kurt wonders what if Blaine wanted to forgive him. Kurt said he can't bother himself with what ifs and that he's just thankful he still has a job.

Burt says "so what now?" And Kurt says "I move on."

NOOOOOO! Oops. I think I just yelled that out loud. I can't believe he's giving up. Maybe we need to intervene. Go find Blaine and get him to come talk to Kurt. Actually that's a great idea. Who's in?

Anyway, Kurt and his dad are just talking about lame family stuff now so I'm done listening.

In summary: Burt is our hero. I'm glad someone finally got Kurt to talk. Maybe he'll stop being so sad or weirdly productive now.

Your friend,  
Rachel Berry

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez  
__Date: August 7, 2017  
__Subject: No_

You will NOT intervene. Meddling only makes things worse. Santana, you are officially on Rachel guard duty. If they are meant to be, they will find each other.

Thanks for filling in the blanks for us, though. It all makes sense now. He's stupid, but it makes sense.

M

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: August 14, 2017  
__Subject: Hello? _

You better have a good reason for not contacting me in the past week. How are you doing? What's new? How do I keep up with the roommate drama without you filling me in? My full album drops next week, and usually you're sending me countdown emails. Also I met someone. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye!

M

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: August 14, 2017  
__Subject: I'm Alive_

You WHAT? Where? Who? How? We cannot gloss over this. Tell. Me. Everything. Like did you bang his brains out?

I'm sorry I didn't contact you last week. I was actually really busy. I'm miraculously still working and I got some great news. The director of the off-Broadway show Jesse is involved with wants to see me again for a callback. I didn't tell anyone about the audition (except Blaine in a really vague way) because I thought it would amount to nothing. But here I am, one step closer to something I had given up on completely. Jesse even said it's really just a chemistry test with the rest of the ensemble and hinted that I might be the only person they're interested in.

Sorry I've been slacking on the countdown. 11 days until your album drops! I may have preordered 13 copies.

K

* * *

_From: Mercedes Jones  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: August 14, 2017  
__Subject: Thank God_

Good to hear you haven't died.

That is amazing about your callback! When is it? You'll be fantastic. You deserve for this good thing to happen to you, Kurt.

This guy. _This guy. _His name is Sam and I met him at a coffee shop. He was playing a short set and we talked afterward. It turns out it's his uncle's shop and he was just visiting LA and doing him a favor. He normally lives in NYC. We're planning to meet up next month when I move in, and I'm really excited. He's a musician and a model and he's so funny. Very dorky, which is right up my alley, and has this gorgeous blond hair. But no, there was no banging. You know me. Even this guy can't get me to break. And that's saying something.

I'm glad you're staying busy. I wouldn't be sad if you mailed some more of your cookies.

M

* * *

_From: Rachel Berry  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: August 17, 2017  
__Subject: Update_

Here's your weekly Kurt update. He is doing well. No major depressive or manic episodes gjahrggtt (sorry, Santana was hitting me and telling me he's not bipolar). No more cookies, sadly enough for us. But he seems to be moving forward and putting his experiences with Blaine behind him.

_Just call them failures. We told him this would crash and burn, and we were right, weren't we?_

Santana, you play tough, but you spent five nights letting Kurt share your bed and singing softly to him while he cried.

_There is no proof of that. _

Whatever.

MERCEDEES YOU'LL NEVET GUESS WHAR JUST HAPOENED!

_Rachel can't even calm down enough to type like an adult, so I'll take it from here. Five minutes ago we're just sitting here writing emails and arguing like normal and we hear a huge crash and Kurt shrieking from the other room. Rachel grabs a frying pan to use as a weapon as if she's fucking Rapunzel, you know, just in case an intruder has been hiding in our apartment for hours and has just now decided to show him or herself, and we run to Kurt's room. He's on the ground because he's literally fallen out of his chair in surprise. He holds up his phone for us to see and his face is even paler than usual, if that's possible. It says _**email from Blaine Anderson**_. Then all three of us shrieked and I had to physically drag Rachel out of the room so Kurt could read it without her annoying him. _

None of that is true. Well, the story of what happened is, but none of the additional and unnecessary commentary is.

It's been a few minutes and we haven't heard a peep from Kurt. I think we should go check on him.

_No, we shouldn't. Give him some time. _

Fine. Goodbye, Mercedes. Apparently we won't have any news for you until Kurt decides to tell us himself.

Your friend,  
Rachel Berry

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: August 17, 2017  
__Subject: Hi_

Kurt,

Hi. I got your email address from Troy. I'm not sure if you meant to contact him from your personal account, but I hope you aren't upset with him for passing it on.

I've had weeks to think about what happened, and I've tried to forget about this and put it all behind me, but I can't. I can't get your words out of my head, or the way you made me feel. My inbox feels empty without your messages in it. (I'm trying really hard to hold back from saying something ridiculously cheesy like "just like my life feels empty without you in it.")

I should be angry. I was at first. I even angry-baked dozens of oatmeal cookies (I know, who likes oatmeal cookies? This weirdo). But then I went back and read every email we sent each other (which was really embarrassing for me, by the way because I was such a dumb loser at the beginning) and put myself in your shoes, and I can't say I would have done anything differently if I were you. But then, if I were you, I'd be much more self-confident and a competent adult human, so...

I know that what I'm about to say is inappropriate, because you were just doing your job, but if I don't say it and take the chance, I'll regret it forever. You're the one who taught me to be myself and go after what I want, after all.

It may not have been with the person I thought, but Kurt, that doesn't change the fact that I fell in love this summer. Those things I can't get out of my head? Your words and the way you made me feel? Those are the things I fell in love with.

In your email, you apologized for deceiving me, but you don't understand how not upset I am. Sure, you both lied to me, but it's like the most beautiful kind of deception.

I'm writing this to you on the minuscule chance that you have any sort of feelings for me and you'd like to see this Big Dummy™ again. Or for the first time. This is still very confusing for me. But at the same time, I've never been less confused in my life. I know how I feel about you and I hope that you know, too.

Sincerely,  
I Don't Like Begging, but Please?

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones  
__Date: August 19, 2017  
__Subject: Good?_

Hi.

Guess what?

I got the job. I'm going to be a performer, just like I always wanted. The show might be off Broadway, but this is a dream come true.

I'm still reeling from Blaine's email, too. It's been two sleepless nights thinking about it nonstop, and I'm just getting the clarity I wanted.

Good things are happening, so why shouldn't this be one of them? I'm going to email him back and say I'd love to meet. Maybe we can talk it out and this could actually go somewhere.

Can you believe this? Who am I? Talking about having a conversation instead of sex. (Though I won't deny I hope that's part of the resolution too.)

I'm sitting on a bench outside the fine arts building at Columbia because the choreographer for my new show has an office here. It's a gorgeous day and this campus is beautiful and I can't stop smiling. Things are actually looking good for me and HOLY DUCK I SEE BLAINE

I'm going over to say hi please pray that I won't say something stupid bye


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: Surprise! I decided to break epistolary form to make sure I could do this scene justice. Enjoy.(And dont forget to find me on Tumblr at xbeautifulunseenx)  
**

Kurt stuffed his phone with his hastily sent email into the pocket of his shorts as he walked (a little maniacally) across the courtyard to where Blaine stood. He was frowning, checking something on his phone, and looked so breathtaking in person that Kurt stopped a few yards away. He forced himself to take calming breaths, checked his hair, and cleared his throat before he lessened the distance between them.

_You can do this, Kurt. It's only the biggest moment of possibly your entire life. You have nothing to lose except a future with a real life Prince Charming. What are you even going to say to him? "Hi it's me, NotTroy from the emails and also the bad joke shoe store guy!" Shit. You're out of time to think. Say something before he sees you awkwardly standing two feet from him and staring him down. _

"Hiya."

_Not that._

Blaine's eyes left his phone and searched briefly until he found Kurt. They widened and almost instantaneously, Kurt could see the blush creep up Blaine's neck, and the sweat bead on his forehead.

"Oh, whoa, it's you! I mean. That's creepy." Then under his breath, Blaine muttered, "Way to go."

_Oh god he's fantastic. I've missed this. So much. _

"You surprised me. What I meant to say was hi." Too high pitched. "Hi!" Too low. Blaine cleared his throat and tried a third time. "Hi."

If Kurt hadn't been trying so hard to control his face, his giddiness could have been seen from the moon.

Blaine continued. "I, uh, don't know if you remember me. We talked once in the—"

"The shoe store. I remember. Blaine."

_That shy smile. He didn't think I'd remember him. Blaine, you are just too good and cute for this world. _

"That's me. And you're—" Blaine's gasp was almost comical. "You can't be," he breathed.

_My god, he just had the epiphany that I'm me. I can feel my pulse in my toes. Is this normal? Would WebMD tell me to say my final goodbyes? _

"Actually I can be."

Blaine pinched himself. "I appear to be having a dream, and when I wake up, I'll be back to my normal life of loneliness and good things not happening to me. There's no way. Right?"

"If I wasn't, would I know this? You're going to be the world's best social worker. You're running your first half marathon soon, because you are insane. You sweat when you're nervous, which is most of the time we talk. Someday you're going to have a little boy whose middle name is Devoon. You love animals. You're a Big Dummy™. When you're drunk, you send sexy emails and then panic the next morning and apologize until you explode because you are downright adorable. Have I convinced you yet?"

"_Kurt."_

_Blaine. _

"I'm sorry, I'm…" Blaine shook his head a little, but was still frozen in place with wonder and disbelief in his eyes.

"Having a real mindfuck moment?" Kurt provided for him.

Blaine nodded dumbly.

"I'll give you a second." Kurt laughed and dropped his gaze under the intensity of Blaine's stare.

"Wow. Okay," Blaine said, after a minute. "So you're hot." Then he threw his head back and groaned in frustration. "There were so many millions of things I wanted to say to you when we met, and 'hello, I'm an even bigger dum dum in person than I am on the internet, I will now demonstrate' was not any of them."

"Oh Blaine," Kurt said fondly. "Can I hug you?" The itch to have the other man in his arms was suddenly unbearable.

Blaine pulled Kurt in before the sentence was even out of his mouth. Kurt exhaled deeply as he wrapped his arms around the lovable dork he couldn't believe he was finally touching.

Blaine shook lightly in his embrace, a bundle of nerves and excitement and apprehension, surely.

"You're forgetting," Kurt said softly, "that we've met before. I already know you're a bigger dummy than words could ever convey."

Whatever Blaine felt that had him all worked up dissipated as laughter overtook him.

Kurt knew their very public hug was lasting longer than was normally acceptable, but he couldn't bring himself to let go. He blamed it on the oxytocin.

They finally separated, and Kurt wiped a drop of Blaine's sweat from his temple with his index finger. Blaine made a face.

"I'm sorry. I'm a damp, disgusting boy who shouldn't be allowed to touch nice things."

Kurt held the finger up in front of Blaine's face. "Just know that I contemplated licking it off just now, but that would be inappropriately erotic and also would not support my argument that I don't have a weird licking thing."

Blaine laughed, but his eyes still said _this is unbelievable. _

"Can we go somewhere else for this conversation? Unless you want me weeping and begging for forgiveness at your feet right on the front lawn of this dorm. Then we can totally stay."

"As much as I'd like to see that, my apartment is only a few minutes from here."

"Lead the way."

They walked in silence, but it was never uncomfortable. Both boys were clearly processing the fact that they were actually physically next to each other. And maybe Kurt was wondering if Blaine would notice if he walked a little behind so he could stare at his ass.

Blaine let them in to a tidy apartment with a very summery feel. Then Blaine led Kurt down the hall to a bedroom. Then Blaine shut the door behind them.

"You going to lock the door too?" Kurt asked amusedly, raising an eyebrow.

Blaine seemed to realize what he'd implied by shutting himself Kurt in his room and threw himself face down onto his bed.

"I just wanted privacy." Then he lifted his head to look panic-stricken at Kurt. "But not for sex. No! Not that I'm saying I wouldn't have sex with you because I would. I so would."

There was no holding back the laugh that escaped Kurt this time.

"Will you stop looking at me like that?" Blaine said through a playful glare as he sat up on his bed. "Like all smirky and like Christmas came early because I'm making a complete fool of myself. This is as bad as when we first started emailing."

"That's not why I'm smirky."

"So you admit that you're smirky."

"I have no choice. I can't seem to stop my lips from smirking at you."

"Why?"

Kurt sighed dramatically. "If I told you we had only three minutes before I have to leave, is that the one question you'd choose to ask me?"

"Do you have only three minutes before you have to leave?"

"No."

"Then let me ask my questions all willy-nilly. Why can't you stop smirking at me?"

"I'll come back to that one later. Next."

Blaine seemed to be thinking hard. Surely finding out that Kurt was _Kurt _changed up his conversation plans a little bit. He patted the bed next to him and Kurt sat as close as possible without touching. "Oh god there are so many things I want to ask you. And knowing that you're that Kurt too gives me hundreds more. When we met before - did you know?"

Kurt bit his lip. He could tell that it wasn't the question Blaine most wanted to ask, but it would help put a few puzzle pieces together. He could see Blaine's anxiety rising again, and he knew he needed to be the one to bring up his feelings for Blaine, who up until this point, thought that Kurt was only doing his job in his emails.

"Yes. I did know. Troy sent in a picture of you with his order, so that's obviously how I knew about your great ass. For the record, it's equally great, if not greater in person, which is really great news for me." Blaine was the one smirking now, all the way through his blush. "I know shouldn't have even introduced myself to you that day, but I just couldn't stay away."

"You couldn't?" Blaine leaned in closer to Kurt until he realized how close he'd actually gotten.

Kurt shook his head. "I couldn't. You see, there was this guy I'd been talking to for a while, and even though he thought I was his boyfriend, I could tell he was the purest, truest person I'd ever talked to before. That day in the shoe store, I saw him for the first time, and it was like something clicked into place."

"What do you mean?" Blaine was still breathless, hanging on Kurt's every word.

"Blaine," Kurt took Blaine's hand in his own and held it to his heart. "You weren't the only one who fell in love this summer. Yeah, I was doing my job in writing to you, but I was terrible at it. I meant what I said in that last email. Every word I wrote to you was true. The flirting, the joking, the confiding...that was all between Kurt and Blaine."

"If you felt that way, why did you disappear without a trace when I confessed my feelings for you?"

"I realized I had screwed up royally and that, contrary to my default mindset, Kurt Hummel was not the only person involved in this situation whose feelings could be hurt. I warned you before, I am exceptionally self-centered."

"Is that why you're here today?"

"Among other reasons."

"Then I guess I don't really care."

Kurt glanced up from where he had been tracing patterns on the palm of Blaine's hand. "Do you really forgive me?"

"Yes." The answer came instantly.

"That easy, huh?"

Blaine shrugged. "The benefits here really, really outweigh the negatives. Remember my email where I said this felt like the most beautiful kind of deception?"

"I remember every email you've ever sent me," Kurt admitted with a slight blush.

"I love that. Well that was my very poetic way of saying that I don't fucking care that you lied to me if this is what I get out of it."

"I thought you don't usually swear unless you're drunk?"

"Honestly, I feel a little drunk right now."

Kurt dropped Blaine's hand and cuddled in to his side. "You're incredible. The first time we met, I told my best friend that real-life you was overwhelmingly perfect. I do not retract or amend that statement. You want to know why I couldn't stop smirking earlier?"

"No, I've since changed my mind."

Kurt ignored him. "Seeing you again in person was like...unbelievable. You were the Blaine I knew from the emails, but times a hundred. This most amazing person I'd built up in my head and planned my wedding and future 7 kids with was real and right there in front of me, better than anything I could have dreamed up."

"Wow."

"I know."

"Seven kids?"

"I didn't specify species."

Blaine sighed with a massive smile on his face. "Do you have anywhere to be this afternoon or the rest of your life?"

"I'm sure some things can be rearranged. Why?"

Blaine shifted onto his knees facing Kurt and rested his hands on Kurt's shoulders, toying with his neckline. "Because I'd really like to kiss you, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop."

"Only if you don't mind our first kiss turning into sex. I respect you and I'd love to make this slow and romantic, but I've been dying to fuck you for ages and I won't leave this room until I get what we both want, or you tell me 'no,' because I am a respectable gentleman who understands boundaries."

"I don't even know what that word means when it comes to you." Blaine tackled Kurt backward and shut him up with kisses.

* * *

Kurt thought he knew his favorite places in the world: the kitchen table at his dad's house, the stage, and standing in the middle of Tom Ford. He was wrong. He was so, so very wrong, and he'd never been happier to be that wrong.

His favorite place in the world was in the arms of Blaine Anderson after the hottest sex of his life. And then after the sweetest sex of his life. And then after the goofiest sex of his life. Really, he just liked sex and cuddling with Blaine and everything about Blaine like how he always had something charming to say to make Kurt feel amazing, and how he made Kurt laugh all the time, and how Blaine didn't even crack a joke when Kurt licked his neck in the heat of the moment (though he did comment on it after the fact).

The steady rise and fall of Blaine's chest under Kurt's cheek was so soothing that he had fallen asleep for a while before he felt Blaine's fingertips on his shoulder blade, gently scratching.

Kurt sighed with a hum of contentment and lifted his head to peek at the flawless boy looking down at him.

"Your phone has been going off like crazy," Blaine told him.

"What time is it?" He looked around the room to find Blaine's alarm clock telling him he'd missed Roommates Dinner. "Oh. It's probably just Rachel and Santana wondering where I am."

"Your roommates? There's so much I don't know about you," Blaine pouted.

"We have so much time to explore those things, if you want to give it to me," Kurt said hopefully, laying a hand against Blaine's stubbly cheek.

Blaine nodded, grinning as giddily as Kurt felt. "I'll give you anything."

Kurt planted a kiss on his lips before drawing himself out of bed to rifle through his pockets to find his phone. Blaine let out a wolf whistle at the sight of Kurt wiggling his ass in the air. He crawled back over Blaine and settled back in under the sheets, unlocking his phone to two texts from Santana, five from Mercedes, and at least twenty from Rachel.

"Smile?" he asked Blaine, holding his phone up for a selfie. Blaine snuggled in next to Kurt and kissed just under his jaw for the picture.

Kurt sent the picture with no explanation to his three girlfriends and within seconds, texts started to roll in.

**From Santana: Get it!  
****From Santana: What a sexy motherfucker.  
****From Santana: Him, not you, Hummel. **

**From Mercedes: Oh Lord, I've been on the edge of my seat since I read your email earlier. I am so happy for you, Kurt. Don't forget a single detail for when you tell me the story later! **

**From Rachel: WHHAGT  
****From Rachel: KURT  
****From Rachel: HOW  
****From Rachel: I CANT  
****From Rachel: You are SO forgiven for missing Roommates Dinner.  
****From Rachel: wait that's Blaine, right? **

"So they know about me?" Blaine seemed a little nervous and a little self-satisfied at that.

"My dad does too. Is that weird?"

"I don't think so. Oh god, my dad is going to freak out when I tell him about you. Fair warning: he will probably do something ridiculously over the top like fly us home to throw us an actual party."

Kurt laughed and wrapped his arms loosely around Blaine's warm waist.

"I can't wait to meet your dad."

"Weirdo. Pretty sure that people are usually nervous about that part. And that they usually don't bring it up on the first meeting."

"Everything about this relationship is weird. Nothing should really surprise you anymore."

"That's an extremely accurate and fair statement."

Kurt tapped Blaine's side with two fingers, thinking about how to word his next question. "I have something awkward to ask you. I mean, nothing is as awkward as me telling you I'm not the boyfriend you thought I was for two months, so I guess I need to adjust my expectations."

"I'm intrigued. Go on."

"When we were sexting or sexmailing or whatever you want to call it, were you picturing Troy? And before you answer, I _swear _I won't be offended by whatever you say. I'm just curious."

Blaine was quiet for so long before he answered that Kurt said "so is this the part when you tell me you're into blond guys with significantly more definition and golden, sunkissed skin?"

Blaine snorted. "I think I just proved multiple times that I very much love your skin tone and muscle definition, didn't I?" He sat up, situating himself against the headboard, and Kurt followed like a magnet. It was Blaine's turn to wrap Kurt up in his arms. "The short answer is no, I don't think so. The long answer is - remember once I told you drunkenly that I hadn't seen myself and Troy going anywhere before he left for Egypt? - when I started having feelings for you, I think you became this kind of different Troy in my mind, and I didn't really think of you as Troy. Did you realize how I rarely ever used his name? I guess I saw you as separate entities, and Email Troy didn't really have a face or a body. Maybe somewhere deep down I knew something was happening. I don't know."

"Huh." Kurt nodded in understanding. "Well _I _was picturing Troy, so…"

Blaine playfully slapped his pec. "You're ridiculous."

They grew quiet again and after a few minutes, Kurt could hear Blaine's breathing pick up and feel him start to tense.

"Blaine. You're sweating. Why are you sweating?"

Blaine looked at him with anxiety behind his eyes again. "I love you. You're the two people I have a crush on in one. I just had sex with you. Three times."

"So far this doesn't seem like a problem."

"What do you want?"

Kurt was confused about Blaine's angle, but he didn't have to think twice about his answer. "You, obviously."

"But how?"

"I'm going to need you to be a little more specific."

"I just realized there are a lot of important things I don't know about you. Like where you live and what you do and what you want out of a relationship."

Kurt smiled and leaned back against the pillows again. "Everything, Blaine. I want everything."

Then he started getting up and ignored Blaine's sounds of protest.

"Come on and get dressed. It's time for our first date. I'm taking you for dinner and a crash course on Kurt Hummel."

Blaine jumped up to obey, clearly thrilled at the prospect. "Okay but first...how do you feel about oatmeal cookies?"


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: September 3, 2017  
__Subject: Is this real life? _

Hello so it's been almost two weeks and I'm just sending a follow up email to see if you're still interested in dating me because hoooooooly poop, this seems too good to be true. You're pretty spectacular and you're unbelievably good looking and you want what I want and I've never had a relationship with such massive amounts of honesty and it feels suspiciously right. So, you know, just drop me a line to confirm or deny your continued attraction to me.

It's too bad you're in rehearsals right now, because Tina just found out that Sam is seeing someone else and I could use some moral support and/or a new best friend. She's giving me serious mood swings. First she was all screamy and then she was all weepy and now she's lying on the ground like a starfish while humming a funeral dirge in the most awful vocal fry.

I feel like the world's worst friend because I have to leave her in an hour to go out with Sam to meet this new mystery lady in his life. We're going to a place I've never heard of called Hoopla. Apparently famous people go there. Swanky. I'll let you know if I meet Sia or Don Cheadle.

See you tomorrow morning! x

Love,  
I'm still dreaming, right?

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: September 3, 2017  
__Subject: Yes, yes it is. _

I'll remind you with kisses and hugs later, but yes, this is very, very real and very, very right. Nothing about it is suspicious except for the food that keeps disappearing from my refrigerator every time you visit. You have made every part of my life brighter. x

I'm sorry you had to be a horrible friend to Tina in order to be a good friend to Sam. Such is life sometimes. Take it from someone who is always stuck between Rachel and Santana.

I just got out of rehearsal and am heading out to meet with my girls. Coincidentally, we're going to Hoopla too. I guess I will see you tonight after all!

Love,  
Pinch yourself to find out

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: September 4, 2017  
__Subject: Wow_

We are a special kind of obtuse. I still can't believe we didn't put that together.

Also how did it somehow never come up that your best friend is _THE_ Mercedes Jones?

Love,  
Dead

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: September 4, 2017  
__Subject: Wow Pt. 2_

Tina just found out that Mercedes is the girl Sam is dating. She peeled her starfish self up off the floor, shrugged, and said "huh. I don't even blame him," and went about her regular business. I have the weirdest friends.

Sincerely,  
I don't give free passes for celebrities

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: September 16, 2017  
__Subject: You know what is extremely boring?_

"Watching" a half marathon. But I am suffering through because I am a really, really good boyfriend.

I'm keeping my eye out for you, a purplish splotch, to run by so I can yell "That's my man!" and then throw this handful of confetti on you before going home to go back to bed for another three hours.

Did you even know you're running 13 miles? . What the hell is wrong with you? I realize you signed up for this before we knew each other, so my good sense hadn't rubbed off on you yet, but I expect you to make better decisions from here on out.

A guy next to me literally just laid down on the ground and started snoring and I can't even blame him, because not only is nothing happening, but nothing will happen for at least 30 minutes, and also it's 8:00 in the freaking morning. You runners are the definition of masochists.

(I'm doing a lot of complaining but I am really very proud of you and impressed and I can't wait for you to finish this amazing accomplishment so I can kiss your sweaty face.)

Sincerely,  
Sleeping guy does have an extra blanket…

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez  
__Date: September 17, 2017  
__Subject: So weird_

Blaine and I just had lunch with the real Troy Levison. It was so weird because it wasn't weird at all. Like, this is the guy whose boyfriend I sort of almost unintentionally stole, and whose money I wasted (for him, it definitely wasn't a waste for me). He's probably read all of the emails between me and Blaine (though he didn't admit to that), so that alone should have been awkward. But he's so cool. We already knew that because he helped Blaine track me down when I was being an ass clown, and because he never reported me to make me lose my job, but whatever.

We made plans to all hang out again, so I guess we're friends now?

Hope you're all having a good time out to lunch without me.

K

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: October 1, 2017  
__Subject: Your (Off) Broadway debut!_

Yes I'm sending you an email at intermission. The girls all went out to get snacks and probably so Rachel can walk around loudly talking about Jesse in hopes that everyone hears her and is envious.

I never knew it was possible to feel so proud of someone else, but Kurt, you are shining on that stage. Jesse was absolutely right that you'd be a good fit in this ensemble. Though I think you'd be brilliant in his leading role, too. (If he suddenly and mysteriously goes missing, don't think anything of it.)

Oh how sweet, an elderly woman in front of me just turned around to say she'd heard Rachel talking about how our boyfriends were in the production and she asked which one was mine. She said I should be very proud because you are phenomenal.

OH MY GOD IT HAS JUST BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT ELDERLY WOMAN IS IRIS PALMER.

Broadway legend Iris Palmer just complimented you. I have died on your behalf.

Sincerely,  
Future tony award winner Kurt Hummel's boyfriend (I better get used to being referred to like this)

* * *

_From: Thomas Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: October 11, 2017  
__Subject: Welcome_

Kurt,

I hope you and Blaine had a great Gaybor Day weekend together!

Now that you are my favorite gay son's fabulous boyfriend and life partner, I'd like to extend my official welcome to the Anderson family.

You and Blaine are invited as guests of honor at our annual New Year's Eve party. This year's theme is "Spectacular Spectacular, Henny!"

You are welcome to invite your friends as well. Blaine tells me you are friends with Mercedes. Please invite that Queen. Her song "Love At Last" is a bop.

We are thrilled that you came into Blaine's life, Kurt. He is so happy with you around and doesn't stop gushing about how smart and hot you are. We stan a sexy scholar!

We can't wait to meet you over the holidays. Pam wants me to remind you to be safe with Blaine and that you should be tested for STIs at least every year.

Love,  
The Andersons

* * *

**Blaine: **I'm sorry for giving your email address to my parents.  
**Blaine: **They're the kind of people you just can't say no to!

**Kurt: **How dare you apologize?  
**Kurt: **This email from your dad is giving me life.  
**Kurt: **Also.  
**Kurt: **Your parents are having a New Year's Eve party.  
**Kurt: **With a gay Moulin Rouge theme.  
**Kurt: **I'm officially in love with them.  
**Kurt: **Sorry you're out.

* * *

_From: Burt Hummel  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: October 29, 2017  
Subject: (No subject)_

So you're telling me that you and Troy, the guy you stole Blaine from, went together to watch Blaine open for his friend Sam's band last night? Sometimes I wonder how you get yourself in these situations…

It's good to hear that he's a nice guy and a good friend, though. And that Blaine's gig went well and he was "glorious and angelic and meant for the stage." It's great to hear you talk about a guy like that, Kurt, after all those years of heartbreak. Blaine seems like the perfect guy for you. Next time you Skype, make sure he's around so I can say hi again and we can talk about the latest OSU game.

Burt (Dad)

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: November 24, 2017  
__Subject: No, I'm drunk_

Blaine. You look delicious all cute over there in that grandpa sweater and your turkey print bow tie. I wanna tear it off with my teeth.

Your ass butt is so good. Thank you for doing so many squats but also genetics. You know when it looks the best? When you're holding yourself open for me and you're definitely not complaining about my licking thing then…

Speaking of licking, you just licked your lips and it reminded me of how I'd rather have you licking my dick right now.

OH NO.

Suddenly sober.

Rachel just came over and sat in my lap, so that was the most awkward moment of my life. That was what happened when you saw her shrieking and falling on the ground. Then she saw me typing on my phone and said "Oh my god, stop sexting him, he's RIGHT THERE."

But I won't because you're talking to Troy and his new beau and you are a gracious host and I'm not about to ruin that just because I want to sex you very very badly. Plus Rachel killed the boner.

K x

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: November 24, 2017  
__Subject: No, I'm drunk_

Stop being so polite (even in my deep inebriation I recognize the irony of me saying that) and come sex me very very badly then. But goodly.

Also maybe stop talking about my ass and do something to it. I'm in my room because your email made me want to do unmentionable things to both you and myself. I can hear you talking to Tina and your voice is that raspy kind that it gets when you're about to come and I definitely am touching myself now so please come join me and make this much more fun.

OH MY GOD.

Guess who just barged in attached at the mouth to Jesse? Rachel Cockblock Berry.

Have you ever considered roommateicide?

B x

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: December 1, 2017  
__Subject: Love love love _

How is it possible that each day with you keeps getting better and better?

I've never had anything like this before. I want to share every part of my life with you. You're the first person I want to see when I wake up and the last person I want to talk to before bed. Maybe someday (not too soon, but not too far away) we can make that our everyday reality by living together? If you think that is a bad and dumb idea, please ignore this email and pretend it never existed. If you think it is a good idea, just slip a code word in your next email, like pickles or flamin' hot Cheetos.

Just because I'm feeling extra cheesy and romantic today (something about the snow and the holiday vibe that the city has going on, perhaps?), I'll bring up that horribly guilty pleasure of a song that says "I knew I loved you before I met you." Call me Savage Garden because I might as well have written that song for you.

Ugh. I just. I love you, Blaine, and I'm so glad I (Troy) found you.

Love,  
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: December 2, 2017  
__Subject: Hate hate hate _

I know we just yelled at each other for a half hour on the phone about this, but maybe I can say it more eloquently in writing.

I don't understand how you could do this to me, Blaine. I am so beyond mad at you right now, and really hurt. You aren't the only one in this relationship with insecurities, you know? There are thousands of guys out there who would line up to date you, and who am I to stand against them?

You knew that guy was hitting on you and you didn't stop him or even try to tell him you have a boyfriend. Would you have even told me if I hadn't walked in and seen him trying to maul you? Please be honest with me.

K x

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: December 2, 2017  
__Subject: Apologize apologize apologize_

I am always honest with you. It never would have crossed my mind to keep something like that from you.

I didn't know he was hitting on me, I swear. Ask my roommates. I'm generally oblivious to stuff like that. I didn't realize there was a need to lay down boundaries or walk away until he was trying to kiss me.

I'm so sorry I hurt you and made you angry. I'll try to pay more attention to the signals other guys are putting out. Or I'll just wear a sign around my neck that says "Kurt Hummel's Boyfriend."

There aren't thousands of guys waiting in line to date me, but if there were, I wouldn't give any of them a second glance because I have everything I need with you including endless snuggles which I am currently missing.

Please say you'll forgive me and still come home with me at the end of the month.

Love,  
Flamin' Hot Cheetos, if you still want them

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: December 2, 2017  
__Subject: Forgive forgive forgive_

Damn you. You're too pure and endearing for your own good. Of course I believe you and forgive you and of course I'll still visit with you. (Mostly because I can't wait to meet your parents, but also because I love you with my whole heart.)

Love,  
Would it be weird if I said I already have a couple apartments picked out to go look at?

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry  
__Date: January 1, 2018  
__Subject: Spectacular Spectacular, Henny! _

I know you've all been dying to know about the Andersons' New Year's Eve party. It was a fuckin' ball. Here are some highlights:

\- Blaine's dad Thom (he insists we spell it with an h) was dressed as the girl in the movie version of Moulin Rouge with the horrible bangs who says "a penniless writer. Oops! I mean sitar player!"

\- Cooper and Blaine and Thom and Pam opened the party by singing "Lady Marmalade" I SHIT YOU NOT

\- They raised $15,000 for the LGBTQ shelter in Columbus. They apparently have very rich friends.

\- Pam got really drunk and slow danced with me for 3 songs in a row and happy cried to me about how ecstatic she was to see Blaine in love and how it was everything she had always dreamed for him.

\- Cooper was dressed as the sitar and kept running from room to room shouting "I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH!" And then he'd say something very honest but not exactly kind about someone in the room.

\- Blaine and I (dressed as dapper Christian (him) and disheveled Christian (me)) shut down the stage by singing "Come What May" and I'm even more impossibly in love than I was yesterday.

Next year you all have to come. They were brainstorming theme ideas already this morning over breakfast. See you all in a couple of days!

K x

* * *

**Cooper: **Awkward question...do you know where I might find my underwear from last night?

**Kurt: **Why the hell would I know that?

**Cooper: **I vaguely remember stripping out of everything but my mom's jewelry while singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend."

**Kurt: **Oh. Oh my god you did. I totally forgot about that. Please tell me there's video evidence.

**Blaine: **I have the footage.  
**Blaine: **I also have possession of the underwear in question. You may have it back on the condition that you let me post this video on my instagram.

**Cooper: **Come on, that was the only pair I brought with me for the weekend.

**Blaine: **Sounds like it's an easy answer, then.

**Cooper: **Fine.

**Kurt: **HAHAHAHAHA this is the best thing I've ever seen

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Blaine Anderson  
__Date: February 17, 2018  
__Subject: Would you rather..._?

...Always be hot or always be cold?

...Propose to someone or have them propose to you?

…Eat burritos or pizza for lunch?

These questions are purely for scientific research.

Love,  
A scientific researcher

* * *

_Google Chat  
__March 9, 2018_

**Kurt:** We are gathered here today to discuss Blaine's graduation party. His family and mine are coming into town, so it has to be something awesome. Opening the floor for ideas.

**Sam:** Spider-Man party.

**Kurt:** No.

**Rachel:** Tea party!

**Kurt**: No.

**Tina**: Rent out a room at the karaoke bar?

**Kurt**: No. But only because that's too predictable.

**Troy**: Run a 5k together!

**Kurt**: Hell no.

**Tina**: Hell no.

**Rachel**: Hell no.

**Mercedes**: Hell no.

**Mercedes**: Magic Mike show.

**Cooper**: Magic Mike show.

**Mercedes**: That's what I just said.

**Kurt**: No. But only because my dad wants to be involved in this party.

**Santana**: And because I don't like dudes.

**Santana**: You can all stop your brainstorming right now because my suggestion is the clear winner.

**Rachel**: I doubt it. But what is it?

**Santana**: Drag brunch. You're welcome.

**Rachel**: Oh.

**Kurt**: Oh.

**Kurt**: That's actually a great idea.

**Santana**: Don't act so surprised.

**Cooper**: HELL YES. Santana, I don't know you, but you're a genius.

**Kurt**: It's settled, then. I'll send out an invite when it's all arranged.

**Kurt**: Also since everyone is here, I'd like to make an announcement.

**Rachel**: You're getting married?! Oh Kurt, I've been waiting for this moment ever since you and Blaine met!

**Sam**: What?! You're getting married? How come Blaine didn't tell me? I'm his best friend!

**Kurt**: No! Not that. We are not getting married.

**Mercedes**: Your show is moving to Broadway?

**Rachel**: Can't be. Jesse would have told me.

**Kurt**: Sadly, no.

**Cooper**: You're leaving Blaine for his hotter older brother, Cooper Anderson?

**Kurt**: You're not even gay.

**Cooper**: Maybe I just haven't met the right man?

**Kurt**: That's not really how it works most of the time.

**Troy**: You're getting a dog together?

**Kurt**: Getting warmer.

**Kurt**: We're moving in together!

**Tina**: Congratulations!

**Mercedes**: I'm so happy for the two of you.

**Rachel**: This is the end of an era!

**Santana**: Stop wailing. I can hear you, you know.

**Santana**: I am NOT living alone with Berry.

**Rachel**: I've been thinking of moving in with Jesse anyway.

**Santana**: Great. Now I'm alone in the world.

**Troy**: I'll adopt you, you little stray.

**Santana**: Meow.

**Kurt**: Before this gets any weirder, I will adjourn this meeting of the minds. See you all at dinner tomorrow!

* * *

_From: Blaine Anderson  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: April 30, 2018  
__Subject: My graduation_

I can't believe you pulled off that surprise this morning. Everyone knew about it for two months and nobody spilled! Did you know that Cooper and my dad were going to show up dressed in drag? I had no clue my dad could do a death drop like that.

The words thank you don't seem big enough for all you've done for me in the last year and the love you continue to show my every day. You're the absolute best and I can't wait until you move into the new apartment and I spend every night there with you even though I'm officially still living with Tina and Sam.

[Bashful sweating, this is new]

Were you serious about my graduation present being a trip to the shelter?

Love,  
Please please please say yes

* * *

_From: Kurt Hummel  
__To: Burt Hummel, Carole Hudson  
__Date: May 19, 2018  
__Subject: I win the contest forever and ever _

Say hello to your grandkitten Hallmark and grandpuppy Otis (aka Hall and Oates) (I'm never betting against Blaine ever again).

_[Video attachment]_

* * *

_From: Troy W Levison  
__To: Kurt Hummel  
__Date: May 20, 2018  
__Subject: Thank you! _

Thank you so much for letting Ang stay with you for a few months while they're renovating his apartment building and Blaine finishes out his lease. You're the best.

Oh, but Kurt? If the opportunity arises to fall in love with my boyfriend? For the love of god, DON'T DO IT.

* * *

**Author's Note: Thank you all for joining me in this fic. You're the best.  
****Find me on tumblr at xbeautifulunseenx  
I've already received a few prompts for one shots to follow up this story, so if you have more, please send them my way! **


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